Friday, June 5, 2009

A Conversation - I Still Hurt.

The sun's down, but it isn't pitch dark. I'm in Palm Springs where it never really gets cold. I have a glass of red wine next to my shoulder.

I talk to my Friend on the phone. We're talking about love, as usual.

You know how this goes. I sigh --

Friend: "I don't know what it is about her...I just keep letting her back in."
Are we in a Lauryn Hill song?
Me: "Yeah, but why? I mean, if you aren't interested in her, then why keep talking to her? I don't get it, chick."
Friend: "Maybe it's like you and Helen. Maybe I just have to keep meeting her and going back for more before I realize that I want nothing from her but friendship."
Me: "I always knew it wouldn't go anywhere with her though. I think there's more to it than that, because when she calls, you answer. You obviously have some sort of curiosity, but refuse to let yourself be interested in her. Why not just let go?"
Friend: "Who knows. I'm bored and lonely. And, the fact is, I like the attention. Gurl, it takes too much goddamn work to be in a real relationship. It's easier if I just sleep with her and move on."
Me: "You mean you'd rather not know her on a deeper level?"
Friend: "Yup!!"
Me: "Shiznit, I know love it tough but damn...I'd open up if I felt strongly about someone else."
Friend: "You know what it honestly. When I was 22 a girl broke my heart. Left me for a guy and 23 years later, I don't think I'm over it. I don't think I've ever healed from that enough to let anyone close to my heart."
Me: "Wow."
Friend: "Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but I think that's a lot of the reason why I don't open up. It's just so hard. It's too hard."
Me: "I hear you."
Damn. I need more wine.

I always talk about how we keep the hurt in our heart from past relationships, but my friend's words shocked me. 23 years later and she's still hurting. 23 years later and she has closed up shop!

I never thought there were examples of folks who stay heart broken years after a relationship, but maybe we're all like that in a way. Do we ever truly get over the people we were with who we really loved? Sex or one night stands aren't included. I'm talking about a real love connection. One where you opened up and bled your soul out to the other person.

When I think of doing that, my question then becomes, how do you get over it? I've always associated time with healing, but truthfully, time has nothing to do with it. It must come down to choice. If we feel like movin' on, we do what we gotta do to move on, right? For some, that includes therapy, for others that includes throwing darts at a picture of your ex every night for months.

Love is love. Heartache is heartache. No one said it is easy to move on. Trust me, I know what you're going through. But, does it come down to choice or is "getting over" someone out of our control when we gave a part of us to that relationship/person? It's tough to say, but I think any thing's possible.

Including falling in love over and over again. Ya know, like when you were 22.

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