Monday, May 27, 2013

I'd Love to Taste My Food: Chronicles of A Food Addict.

We all get to a point where we feel absolutely gross. For you this may mean not showering for a few days, delaying a much needed hair cut, or going outside without lip gloss.

For me, it's when I'm wearing my I'M-A-FAT-ASS jeans. The ones that hang loose on my body and don't give me any shape because I want people to not look at me. For added effect, I also pair this with a baggy jacket and unbrushed hair. I didn't notice how rough I looked until I went on a scale in my parents' bathroom and screamed twice. First at the number I saw and second at how much I had let my appearance go.

At first I wanted to blame it on being single for so long (it has been almost three years since I had a, a real one, though I have dated). Then, I realized that had nothing to do with it. I was simply eating and drinking way too much as I said to my stepmother who was next to me in the bathroom (unable to see the scale).

And as I got back into my I'm-A-Fat-Ass jeans, I realized something had to change. Like, everything. Not just on the outside but on the inside. So, I got out a piece of paper and wrote, GOALS. The first thing on the list --

#1 Stop being a fatass and look at yourself in the mirror once a day. Then, I decided to join Jenny Craig.

That's right, I joined Jenny Craig to avoid looking like this one day:

Photo Found Here

Is this a major exaggeration from the size I am today? Absolutely. Is it a realistic fear? TOTALLY. Many of us out there--Food Addicts--are one Big Mac and McFlurry away from being huge. I didn't join Jenny Craig because I'm huge; I joined out of avoidance and fear. I could feel myself right on the brink of letting it all go and that, peeps, is lethal. That one thought as I was on the scale scared me so much that I called a local Jenny Craig immediately to make an appointment.

It was a relief getting the food and starting the program. I have to be real with you: I'd love to have some butter. Or, some eggs with bacon. Hell, even a little olive oil on my vegetables would be nice. Although the program is beneficial, I'd really love to taste my food. So far all I taste is cardboard with a little salt.

But it's better than being in baggy jeans and a large sweater all of the time. I may never be the skinniest biotch on the block, but I damn well ain't going to be the fattest. 

I'll keep ya posted on my Jenny Craig progress. Goal is 12 pounds. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Dating: Stop Screening Me!

"I feel like you're screening me." 

"Is this an interview or what?"

"Enough with the questions already!"

I wrote a book on dating as most of you know (available on and, as I'm finding out, there is a lot I can learn in that area. Now, in the book I don't claim to be perfect or know everything; people in their 20s...we're a little bit of a mess to say the least. But, that can be said about many age groups. 

Here's the question I want to pose to the group (you): Do you think it's okay to ask questions on the first date, or save them for later on?

After a few recent dates and handful of women telling me that they feel like I "interview them" I have had to look within and ask myself this question. While I do think that no one should be answering questions during an entire date, it's also important to know the basics (or, the things that are important to  you). For me, I like independent, strong, and assertive women who have ambition and know how to pay their own bills. So, here are some questions that I like to ask on the first date:

Where do you work? I don't care where someone works. Just, dear God, have a job that allows you to pay your bills and not rely on anyone else.

Do you live alone? For me, I can't date a person who still lives at home with their parents. And, I do think it's a red flag if someone over 35 lives with someone else.

What was your last relationship like? This is a new one I've added since the last 4 out of 5 women I've met have had physical abuse in their prior romantic relationships. I definitely bounce if there's a history of this. 

Are you out of the closet and do you like public affection? I once dated someone who wasn't okay with holding hands or being touched on the streets of West Hollywood (one of the gayest cities in the country) and that was not only a sign of inner homophobia but just weird. And someone who is not out of the closet is simply not my thang.

Knowing this information right away prevents me from getting emotionally invested first and then feeling like it's too late to pull out because I like the person. Been there, done that and I don't want to waste time.

Recently I went on a date with a woman who is great. And for the first time, I felt interviewed. "Lauren, how many relationships have you been in?" "What's your five year plan?" "Do you see yourself living in another city?" "Are you spontaneous?" Although her assertiveness took me by surprise, I didn't mind it. That's why I think the answer to the above question I posed is: It depends on the person.

For you, perhaps any amount of questions makes you feel interviewed and turned-off. However, for someone like me I like the confidence and "I know what I want" mentality. For quite some time I dealt with women who lacked those things so I find it refreshing. It simply depends on what you like.

As my stepmother says, "There's no right or wrong answer." Do what makes you happy, even if it means throwing in a few questions...or not = )