Ugly rims on uglys cars will never be in style.
You've been warned.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I sit on a couch. A dirty one with crumbs and old dust. I'm comfortable but not comfortable all at the same time. If it wasn't for the two Women in front of me, I'd be gone. But, we're in the middle of a conversation. A good one about dating and love. You know, the usual.
Lauryn Hill is playing in the background. "Ex Factor." My legs are crossed. I see the lyrics floating in my head as we passionately talk --
Friend 1: "I totally believe you can date after a recent break-up. Especially if both people were ready long before it actually ended."
There go those lyrics, flying by in my mind -- "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard." My legs start to get restless, eager for me to get into the convo. I grab a piece of gum instead.
Friend 2: " I can understand that because I've been there. Especially when I was straight and slept with guys. After my last boyfriend, I was ready to move on. Very ready!"
Me: "But, this isn't about sexual preference. Gay, straight, or bi, it doesn't matter. I don't feel like it's a wise or healthy decision to date someone who just got out of a relationship.
Friend 1: "But, who are you to judge, mama?"
Now I uncross my legs.
Me: "I'm not judging. Aight, let's say, hypothetically, you and I are on a first date. And, we've never met before. Let's say I ask you, "so, when was your last relationship?"
Friend 2: "Uh-o. I know where this is going."
Friend 1: "I would tell you my last relationship was a week ago."
Me: "How am I not supposed to want to get the check and leave after you tell me that? People need time after a relationship to at least live with the new situation. A week is too damn fast to move on and start dating."
Friend 1: "I totally get why you'd want to leave. But, I would say this to you -- my relationship didn't work out. I'm human. Yes, we were together for 4 rocky years, but now we aren't together. It has only been a week, but it ended long before that. Now I'm ready to move on, although to you, it may not seem that way because of time. But, that's the truth. Take it or leave it."'
Damn, she is convincing, and her nice thighs and eyes don't make it any easier to disagree. But, I must be me.
Friend 2: "I need to smoke."
She jets out, leaving the two of us alone on the couch. I guess it can't all be so simple.
Me: "I hear you, I do. But, for me, I would have a red flag up if a woman's trying to date me so soon after ending a relationship."
As I say the words, part of me wants to take them back. I can tell they sting. Hard. Yeah, I like to keep it real, but seeing someone hurt ain't my thang.
Friend 1: "Hey, it's all good. What doesn't work for you, works for another person. The chick I'm dating doesn't care."
She's stronger than I thought. Much stronger.
Me: "Exactly. Everyone is different. Let me ask you this. Why didn't you let it go after you guys broke up the first time? "
Friend 1: "I wasn't ready then, but now I am. And by the way, it's not like we were married. If I was married, I wouldn't fuck it up."
For some reason, I believe her. But, if her ship came my way, I'd still swim my ass to shore. We sit in silence listening to our girl -- "care for me care for me, you'd said you'd care for me. There for me, there for me, you said you'd be there for me." She lifts up her head and gives me a look. I tilt my head in curiosity.
Friend 1: "I've always been attracted to you. I remember meeting you at Lesbian Attack with my gurl. I remember telling her about you and saying, "wow, she's hot."
Oh shitniz. For a split second I forget about the dirty couch to gather my thoughts.
Wow, that's all I could come up with?
Friend 1: "Let's go out Sunday with my gurl and her gurl."
Me: "Like a date date or a friend date thang?"
Friend 1: "A date."
I laugh. Doesn't she remember the conversation we just had?
Me: "No way suga. You're gorgeous, but no way."
Friend 1: "Come on."
As I think about it, "Ordinary People" starts to play. I look at her for a few seconds before saying --
Me: "...I'll go, but it won't be a date.
Who am I fooling? She smiles, one of those cute, smart ass smiles.
Friend 1: "Cool."
We look at each other, flirtation in our eyes. I'll blame it on John Legend if anything happens.
This is a tough one. You like someone, but he or she just got out of a relationship. What do you do? What do you say if they ask you out? What if you like her? It's not always a yes or a no answer. Things aren't always that simple, right?
But, shouldn't it be?
Let's be real. When you first meet someone, things should be easy flowing. There should be no drama and no unnecessary obstacles in the first few months, if ever. Dating and love is already hard enough as it is. And, to allow more stress and worry, puts the new relationship on a rocky foundation.
The time that can be used to get to know someone, is now being placed on thoughts like, "is she over it?" "Do I have to deal with ex drama?" These are real thoughts that many peeps have.
But . . .
Everyone is different. I know serial daters who love to be with others just out of a relationship and some individuals who won't go out on a date until someone is cleared for at least a year.
It all depends on what you want and what you're comfortable with, at least in my opinion.
Would you date someone if they just got out of a relationship?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
(photo found at this site)
As a 20-something person, I get it. Texting is fun. It's easy. It's entertaining. It allows you to connect and get incessant attention.
But, is it a problem for teenagers?I have to say yes. Teenagers are developing habits of non-listening, short attention spans, and forgetting about the Present moment. Sure, some peeps may think it's awesome to be able to multitask, but when we focus on 5 million things at once, something is bound to suffer.
Like if you're texting while driving, you're probably going to hit sweet, ol' grandma as she walks across the street. Okay, that's not the best example, but you know what I mean.
Yet, what are we to expect with televisions, Playstations, and computers? I haven't seen a freakin' teenager playing outside in months. Do they even know what exercise is besides being forced to run in gym class once a week?
It's an issue--parents, psychologists, doctors, etc.-- will acknowledge this, but is there really anything we can do? Not really, unless you don't give your child a means to communicate, but that's not fair. Then again, you can always monitor how many texts your kid sends a month by looking at the phone bill. Kinda stalker-ish though.
Let's break it down --
You can't control peeps, especially teenagers. It's not fair and it's not kind. Yeah, teen texting is bad right now, but so are a lot of things like drugs, sex, and alcohol. I say live and let live, but don't let shiznit get out of hand.
I remember watching an episode of "The Cosby Show" in which Cliff (Bill Cosby) found a joint in Theo's pocket. So, what does Cliff do? Confronts Theo, of course. And when Theo tells Cliff that his friend put the joint in his pocket, Cliff ends the discussion because he trusts Theo. Although Theo didn't have to, he forces his friend to tell Cliff and his mother in person that it wasn't his joint.
I share this story because it's a great example, though it's from a television show, of how good parenting should be. Sure, we can focus on texting and say that's the issue, but I think we're a little off in our way of thinking. Perhaps if we build trust, confidence, and love with our children, they will be open and honest about things with their parents.
It's all about the foundation, not what goes on top.
Check out this article on teen texting
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Trendy. Not too crowded. I sit by a nice fireplace, my hands in front of the warm heat. Lost in my own thoughts until I hear --
Friend: "Hey, this girl wants to talk to you."
I sigh to myself, liking the alone time and not wanting to meet another L.A. chick. They're all the same it seems. But, I turn around, out of curiosity and hope. Maybe she'll be different.
Me: "Cool. Where is she?"
Woman: "I'm right here."
I look over at the bar where she sits in a relaxed position. A cute Woman with short shorts and nice eyes. Hmm...yeah, I'm curious now. Plus, the fireplace ain't going no where. I walk toward her in my slow, easy going stride. Let's see what she's all about.
Me: "What can I do for ya?"
I smile one of those flirty smiles. The good kind, or so I hope. And she immediately gives me one back.
Woman: "I saw you over there looking great from behind. Praying you looked just as good from the front. You're so pretty."
I immediately go red, just like her drink. Compliments always throw me off. I'm still not used to 'em, even after losing all the weight.
Me: "Wow, thank you. Um..."
I don't know what to say, but I like the way she smells and the way she looks at me. Like Keira Knightley's character looks at James McAvoy in Atonement.
Woman: "Like you don't hear it all the time."
Me: "What's your name?"
Even as she says it, I get the feeling that she isn't telling the truth.
Me: "Cool. So, what brings you here to LA?"
Woman: "Culinary school, but that's boring. I really like your style."
She takes a finger, and seductively rubs it up and down my black tie. Even the Obama button on my jacket sneaks a peak.
Me: "Oh, thanks. So, uh, how do you like the school?"
Why is she so determined not to let me get to know her?
Woman: "It's nice. Are you single or what? Probably not, eh?"
She's beginning to annoy me, but I like the way her lips look. Soft.
Me: "Yes, I am."
Woman: "I don't believe you, but okay."
I can feel it. The more she talks the more I get bored. What is it about her that seems false? That seems like she's from a book. Like if I turned around, she'd be gone...almost like a dream.
Woman: "So, how are you getting home? I can take you back.
One night stand. I'll pass. I like the way my sheets feel at night, not a stranger's.
Me: "No, thanks, I have a ride home."
My eyes start to close, telling me "hey, we're tired!" I think she can sense this --
Woman: "Take my number then before you jet out...even though you'll probably lose it."
Assumptions. Gotta love 'em.
Me: "You do know that you don't know me, right?"
She laughs, liking the directness. Or, liking the playful flirtation. Who knows.
Woman: "True, but I'd like to. Call me, please. When you get home. So I know you made it without crashing into anything."
Me: "...of course. Seeya."
As a woman of my word, I know I'll pick up my phone and call. But, part of me can't help but feel like I wasted my time talking to her. Like she doesn't really exist. Or, maybe she had a bad night with her husband and needed to smile at somebody. Hard.
I leave with my friends who yell at me for not staying with her. "That was guaranteed coochie." Yeah, but I don't know her. She could be a serial killer for all I know and only prey on milk chocolate ladies.
Fast forward 20 minutes -- I call her. Ring, ring, ring. No answer. And people wonder why it's hard to date in this town. I should have stayed in front of the fireplace where it was warm and safe.
This is a prime example of why it's tough to date in this city and abroad; you meet someone who talks a lot of game but doesn't know how to back it up, or answer the phone. Or, it feels like they're hiding something...like a husband or a wife. This is critical information that should be shared to peeps who are romantically interested in you...right? I can't tell you how many 15 minute dates I've been on where I know within that time frame, it ain't happening.
She was cute. Like, I'd buy her a meal and dessert cute. But, in my heart, I didn't feel like she was genuine. I couldn't allow my black ass to go in her car and just pray she doesn't do anything crazy. My intuition was like, "ruuuuun awaaay now!" Yeah, I get it, you're probably thinking, "lezzie, you don't even know her that well. Aren't you being hypocritical?" This may be a good point, but I'll say this --
When there's a strong connection with someone, we feel it right away. We know it in a few seconds. I knew by the way my heart didn't skip a beat, or by the way my knees didn't go weak that there was no connection. The easy part, for me, is taking the number and calling. The hard part is when they pick up and they're there, always there listening to every word I say.
Yeah, that's when my heart skips a beat.
And, from the look in their eyes, they know it, too.
(Photo found here)
And, I'm sure we all see it, too.
Jon and Kate's marriage has been weighed down by recent reports that they've been cheating on each other, although both have denied the rumors. For the first time, they addressed the media on their show, clearly full of resentment, anger, and hurt in the way they spoke about the other person.
I could even feel the tension between them through my television, which is thick as Hell.
They don't appear to be happy and seem to want out of the marriage. So, my question is, why aren't they divorced yet? Is it the show, the children, or their pride?
Let's be real -- clearly there is love here, but when you can't even get a husband and a wife to sit down together, something's not right. . . right?
It would be a different story if Jon and Kate were respectful of each other and remaining married for the children. I understand that there have to be sacrifices when kids or pets are involved. But, these peeps never show anything but selfishness and petty behavior.
I ain't in their shoes. Maybe they're madly in love and, like me with Diet Dr. Pepper, overdosed and used to their drama. Maybe it's an addiction now and they can't wait to attack the other person on national television to get their usual euphoric high.
Or, maybe it's just hard to let go of a 10 year relationship. And it's just that simple. I read an article in which the couple commented on their relationship. Kate broke it down --
"Very swiftly we turned into two different people and it's just hard."
Two people in two different places in life looking at each other like strangers. Who have changed and grown at a different pace. Sometimes it happens, but it doesn't make the hurt any less painful on your heart, right?
When you look at Jon and Kate, you can see the disappointment and longing for an alternate reality. Probably one in which they are still in love -- like it used to be. You can see that they both, regardless of how they are at this present moment, tried to save their marriage. It's easy to judge 'em, or to say, "she hates him," or, "they didn't try hard enough." But, let's get real, Anyone with 8 kids and a ten year marriage gave a huge effort at some point. Simply put -- now the effort ain't there anymore.
Sometimes you gotta be able to throw in da towel.
Check out this article here.
Monday, May 25, 2009
(photo f ound here)
Brittney's owner, Scott Seymour, said she awakened him with her loud barks early Saturday just in time to save 'em both from serious injury, probably death. If it wasn't for her, they'd both probably be gone.
Thank goodness Scott didn't put her down.
We could all use a Hero in our life, whether it's a dog or a lover. But, not a hero in the sense of being constantly rescued.
Just something or something that you know has your back. Who you know will be there no matter what -- even when your house is burning up. It's a good question to ask, to wonder...right?Check out the article and Brittney's future on this site.
40% - "Yes, I am friends with all of mine."
40% - "Yes, but not best friends."
6%- "Hell to the naw."
13%- "Yes, but only if kids or dogs are involved."
Just Out of A Relationship
Sunday, May 24, 2009
(photo found here)
I've definitely had my share of Big Macs and Apple Pies. Oh yeah, this sistah used to stuff her face with 'em every day. Sometimes a few times a day to be real with ya. But--no lie--I haven't stepped inside one in a while since my iced coffee addiction kicked in a few weeks back. And every time I walk into one of these joints, something surprises me like the poor sanitary conditions or workers eating food from trays in front of customers.
So, today, as I paid for my cup of caffeine, something took me by surprise: an employee in her late 60s scooping up french fries. Late 60s. She was working so hard and so fast her mascara started to run down her cheeks. Her lipstick looked like it wore off during yesterday's shift and you could tell by the way she slumped over the french fries that her back hurt like Hell. I wanted to jump over the counter and tell her to go home and relax for the rest of her life like she outta be doing. I wanted to yell at anyone who would listen for allowing her to spend the latter portion of her life at McDonald's in which she has to endure being bossed around by a 28 year old manager.
Yes, I know the economy is rough. Yeah, I know we all gotta do what we gotta do. And hey, she may love working at McDonald's (not) and do it part time for fun. In all honesty, I'm not in her worn shoes, and I don't know how she feels. I just know that in my heart, this picture doesn't look right. It was hard to see. It made me think of my grandmother who worked hard everyday as a school teacher for over thirty years. And to think of her working at McDonald's would have broken my heart. But, everyone is different, right? I wonder how she feels about it...
I ain't lovin' it.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
(Photo found on http://www.autism-community.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/olympia.jpg)
Under a new state suicide law, peeps can legally and respectfully take their own life under certain conditions, such as having a terminal illness. A 66 year old woman with cancer has become the first person to die under Washington's "Death with Dignity" law using prescribed medication given to her by the state.
Wow. That was my first response after reading an article about this law that took effect in March.
To be real, I also thought -- "in 3 months, only one person has used it?" That's surprising.
But, even more shocking is how young this woman is...66 years old. Terminal cancer. That's tough, and I can't imagine what it was like to be in her shoes, but I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life? Did she have someone by her side, or who made her smile every day? I wonder how she felt before she took the pills.
Maybe hopeless, maybe happy as Hell.
The important thing is that she left this Earth the way she wanted to leave. She had the choice to say, "Hey, I had a great life. I'm out." Whether it was a painful one or not, who knows, but I'd be lying if I told you I had her courage.
To die, by choice.
It's a scary thought, at least to me. One that I don't even like to entertainment often, if ever.
Check out more info here.
Friday, May 22, 2009
These are all insecurities we've heard at least once from someone in our lifetime. Black, white, green, or yellow -- we can all identify with wanting to change something about ourselves. But, most of these things are in our own head and don't really impact us in a major way.
Question: What about the insecurities and concerns that develop after a traumatic incident, like fearing abandonment after a lover leaves you one random night. If a person is still deeply emotional about it, would you move on and not date him or her?
This is James Buchanan, an anal cancer survivor.
(photo found on http://www.aolhealth.com)
He's now a single dad looking for love, but is finding it hard to date since having to deal with many physical limitations and surprises. For example, major nerve damage and uncontrollable gas, which can take a woman by surprise on a first date...or any date at all. For real. And, I'm sure he has other things that weigh on him, such as a fear of another malignant hemorrhoid.
But, nothing's wrong with sharing opinions.
We all have hard thing either as an adult or a child, we've gone through. It can range from rape to being called names by a bully for years. Or, even, sadly, getting cancer. But, it always comes down to us as individuals. Some peeps may not be able to deal with a traumatic experience and leave it on the shelf for our lifetime. Others may work on it everyday, whether through therapy, writing.
It all comes down to what works for you.
In terms of dating, though, these things can be a challenge. A person can still be hurting, emotionally and physically, from something they've experienced in the past. And, that's okay. If someone really cares about you, they'll be by your side no matter what.
Now, I'm not saying if you're on a first date with a person who has one leg and ya like 'em that you have to stay in the mix, because, to be real, some folks can't deal with that. But, if you can deal with whatever struggle it is plus you like 'em mucho, keep riding on that train. You never know where ya might end up. . .
Check out James' article here
is this delicious beverage really good for you? When you feel it trickle down into your stomach, do you sometimes wonder if your body appreciates it? I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I'll drink it even if reports came out saying -- "there's a 98 percent chance that Diet Dr. Pepper will cause you to go blind in the next two years." My response would go something like this: Stevie Wonder here I come!
Every time I drink a Diet Dr. Pepper (right now), I wonder the same thing -- if I know this soda may not be good for me, why do I drink it? Then I realized it's like dating someone you know is bad for you, yet still dating 'em anyway.
Which brings me to this point: maybe too much of anything is, over time, bad for us. Someone once told me a woman died because she drank too much water. So, I think we have a choice -- to keep on drinking the Diet Dr. Pepper or to put the damn can down. 1 or 2 won't kill ya, just like a few bad dates or c-r-a-z-y ladies/guys. But, after the 10th one, thangz may not look good on the inside. You may be in the addicted territory.
You may start craving the drama without realizing it. Like when you're about to have a panic attack when there's peace and quiet. Or, when you yell at the cashier for not asking "plastic or paper, ma'am?"
That's when your ass has had too much of da can.
Perhaps we should consider thinking twice about who and what we allow into our journey on this Earth. Some people will suck the life out of you if you let 'em, but it's in your control to walk away in that first moment of meeting. You know what I mean. You know what crazy looks like when ya see it. Or, when you get those jittery, I-will-ruin-your-life-and-break-your-heart eyes from a pretty young thing. Keep on movin', 'cause more than likely, they've been drinking too much Diet Dr. Pepper anyway.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
(photo found on http://riosoriano07.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/kris-allen-01-2009-03-10.jpg)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
As I watch the clickpop of a lean pocket in the microwave, my shirtless roommate and friend of 5 years enters, clearly on a mission to make his daily cereal with soy milk. Usually we'll do some small talk for a few minutes or look out the window at nothing in particular, but on this mornin' I'm gonna mix it up --
Me: "Hey, I got a question for you."
He looks up, deciding if he wants to leave or pretend to listen to what I have to say. As I look at his pink underwear, I think about how I appreciate that he's himself all of the time...no matter what anything thinks.
Roommate: "Aight gurl, go ahead."
Me: "Would you date a guy if he had a large birth defect on his chest?"
He makes a grossed out face, wanting to say "hell no," but reconsiders -- for my sake I think. He knows I don't like brutal honesty in the morning.
Roommate: "Hmmm, like how big? Like big big or like small big?"
Me: "Like big. I'd say as big as a large cup cake or tennis ball."
Roommate: "And everything else is perfect? Like his personality and the rest of his body?"
Me: "Yeah...I guess."
I go silent, taken aback by my inability to answer the question and the realization that I don't know what 'perfect' means.
Roommate: "Then, I would...maybe. Just depends."
He leaves, but like my cold Lean Pocket, I don't really notice.
It's tough to predict what we'd do in a given circumstance, especially when it comes to another person's looks. I'm sure we all have deal breakers or things we can't deal with. Like, I can't handle a woman who don't shave, or that has terrible B.O., but if I met the right person...that's a different story.
There's nothing that a razor and some deodorant can't fix.
like the rest of the world, there is a superficial part of me who may not be able to get past these things. Who may react, over time, in a resentful and mean manner to my partner for smellin' up my crib. And, that's never something you want to do with the person you love, or like a lot.
This is Carla Sosenko:
( Picture found on http://www.aolhealth.com/health/)
She's stunning. I'd date her. My dog would date her. Damn, my left toe would date her even though she has a rare circulatory disease called Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome. This means her right left is larger than her left and trails slightly when she walks; her back is an uneven, fatty slab with a dense lump above the waist; and, a gigantic wine stain that reaches all the way from her torso to her right thigh. She's a strong ass woman, despite all of the pain she lives with.
Now, imagine being on a date with this lovely woman and not knowing about her disease. Imagine it going amazingly well. You're getting goosebumps and think she's spectacular. Imagine her telling you --
Carla: "There's something you need to know about me. I have uneven legs that makes it hard for me to walk, there's a big slab on my back, plus it's very uneven, and I have a massive scar all along my chest that goes down to my thighs."
What would you say? What would you do? When I imagine this scenario, my mouth goes dry. It's like that episode of Oprah in which a soldier was on after getting his face blown off in Iraq. When he was on the show -- face completely malformed -- his wife was sitting next to him. Although she said she still loves him, you could tell it took a toll on not only her but on their relationship.
The outside, at times, can have a strong impact on us. And naturally, we're afraid of what we're not used to (most of us).
Then again. . .
Maybe it's not all about perfection. Maybe it's just about what does it for us individually. What may be perfect to me isn't perfect to you, right? Some of us can deal with long toenails, while others can't. And, it's okay if you would have never called Carla back. Just like it's perfectly fine if you had called her back. What floats your friend's boat may sink yours.
Time to eat that Lean Pocket.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I sit down, sip on my margarita under the sun. As usual, a hefty debate takes place between me and two friends --
Do we ever really grow from relationships, or do we make the same mistakes over and over again?
Friend 1: "I'm in my mid 30s now. I'm much less of a mess. In my 20s, I was all over the place."
Friend 2: "Yeah, your 20s are meant for you to make mistakes."
I continue drinking and taking in the sun. Gosh, I love this town. I love being alive. And, for once, there is no fight in me to defend myself. But, nothing will stop me from being an opinionated, hopeless romantic.
Me: "So, does that mean you don't make the same mistakes? Or, that you don't still play the same games you did with the people you date?"
They both immediately put down their drinks. Not even the alcohol could hold them back.
Friend 1: "I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I do know what I want. I do know what I can put up with. Women in their 20s don't know what they want --"
Friend 2: "Neither do men, honey."
Friend 1: "...I now know what to do during a crisis. Or, that the world isn't going to end if I get fired. Or, that I will love again after a hard break up."
Me: "As someone who is in their 20s and strong as a MoFo, I have to disagree with you. I've dated women almost twice my age who act 12. You can't predict how a person is, man or woman, by their age."
Friend 2: "I think guys are different though. We purely think with our d-i-c-k-s. Yes, it's true. And, that doesn't go away ever. And as someone who LOVES younger men, I'd love to say they know what they want. I'd love to trust them or know that they won't go to the next good looking guy who is younger, but I don't."
Me: "So, is it an insecurity? Feeling like a younger person would leave you or feel distracted?"
Friend 1: "I'll be honest, yes it is. Because, you know what, who is to say that I won't bore a woman ten or fifteen years younger than me? I only like to go out twice a month. The average person your age, Lauren, likes to go out a few times a week. Tell me I wouldn't bore you."
Me: "Baby, I'd stay in all year for you."
We all laugh. Taken in by the joy of the moment. Enjoying the intense discussing and each other all at the same time.
Me: "For me, I think it's all about who you meet. I can say I won't date a blind woman, but hey, if there's an unspoken connection, maybe I will."
Friend 2: "Good point, youngin'."
Friend 1: "Yeah, I know that when I meet her, I'll know it's her. And that it'll be over for me. I'll give in."
Me: "Even if she's 26?"
Friend 2: "Gurl, let's not talk crazy!"
I continue looking at Friend 1, waiting for a response. She can feel my gaze on her.
Friend 1: "...maybe."
We smile at each other. Knowing we all would change our minds in a second about our stubborn age requirement...if only the right person came along.
Life's hard to predict, from picking what we'd like to eat for breakfast to deciding if we want to ask someone out on a date. I can barely decide what to wear each morning.
Finding a connection with peeps with is hard enough. If you come across a person who makes your heart skip a beat, then listen because the universe is screaming in your ear --
"Wake Up! This is the goddamn person of your dreams?!"
Or, at least a person who will hopefully allow you to learn something. Let's say you went out with that young guy or gal. What do you have to lose?
Monday, May 18, 2009
I hate to say it, but I learned that night, as I rubbed my neck, that it was a deal breaker for me. I can't realisitcally see, 60 years from now, still having a functioning neck if I'm with her.
For real, though. And then I remembered meeting the Lakers. And how those foolz were almost double my height. I mean, damn, I can't imagine what their you-know-what looks like if their shoe is size 500. When I met them, I felt like I was standing next to Godzilla. Or, next to Hulk Hogan times 20. I felt like they were not even human beings. I know, that sounds rough. But take a look and you'll see what I'm sayin --
Saturday, May 16, 2009
(Photo found on http://shopping.aol.com/sporting-goods-outdoors/)
Excuse me, I need to go withdraw 95 bucks from the ATM so I can start usin' this at the club.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
:pats self on back:
So, when I saw her this past weekend (2 months after her break up) at a potluck, I didn't make a move. I made small talk and kept it friendly. But, when she invited me out that night to a party, I thought...hey, is she makin' a move? Before I had a chance to figure it out she says,
Woman: "Yeah, this chick I kinda hate is gonna take me."
Her words shock me, so much so that my attention on her two gorgeous kids stop in an instant. I swallow the last sip of wine in my plastic cup. Hard.
Me: "Oh...the stud?"
She re adjusts her towel, purposefully showing off her ass and avoiding eye contact. But, that's okay, I still see her.
I smile, but on the inside as I feel my subconscious walking away from this table, leaving her before we've had the chance to order an appetizer. I like games, but only Monopoly and Uno.
Me: "If you don't like her then why are you letting her take you out?"
Woman: "I don't give a shit if she buys me drinks and takes me out. It's whateva. It ain't weighing my shit down."
I swallow even harder, this time on my own saliva. Maybe she's handing her card to me, as if saying, "Look, I will f-ck with your heart, I'm not good for you, and deep down you're not interested in me. You just like my 'tude because it's a challenge. So, yes, a woman is meeting me tonight. Not you. And, that's the way I want it to be."
Me: "I feel ya."
Do I really?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
This is a scene from one of my features involving CHAD, a former childhood star who is now obese and not so famous, and KELLY, a hot fitness trainer Chad's in love with and lives next door to. (note: Dean is Kelly's boyfriend).
EXT. KELLY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Chad, now wearing a sweatshirt, watches as Dean’s car speeds off. Chad sees Kelly crying inside her apartment. She looks up, sees him and OPENS the front door.
KELLY: "Did I wake you?"
CHAD: "Yeah, eight is way past my bedtime."
Chad pulls out a napkin from his pocket, hands it to her.
KELLY: "I’m fine."
Kelly tries to keep her composure, but it isn’t working. She cries in the napkin. Chad doesn’t know what to say or do.
CHAD: "I’ll leave you alone."
Chad starts to leave, but Kelly grabs his hand.
KELLY: "Come in, I need to vent."
Off Chad’s reluctant look...
INT. KELLY’S APARTMENT - LATER
Chad cuts the heart shaped CAKE we saw earlier: a small slice for Kelly and a slightly bigger slice for himself. He listens as Kelly vents --
KELLY: "...he’s a jerk, an inconsiderate jerk who doesn’t care about my feelings. Is it crazy that I don’t want another woman calling my boyfriend two or three times a day?"
Chad places her slice of cake in front of her on a table. He carefully places silverware next to the plate with a napkin. Kelly looks at him, waiting for a response.
CHAD: "Oh...um, no. It’s not."
KELLY: "Who the hell hangs out with their ‘friend’ four nights a week? Especially if they’re
your type. (beat) And don’t ask me how I know she’s his type. I just do. Long hair, soft skin, nice body."
Chad scans his body, doesn’t like what he sees.
KELLY(CONT’D): "I’d even do her. (eats cake) This is really amazing."
CHAD: "Thanks, it took a while to make."
KELLY: "You made this? No cake mix or bakery involved?"
CHAD: "That’s right."
KELLY: "...you’re very sweet, Chad. (beat) My boyfriend could learn a lot from you."
Kelly pushes aside her unfinished cake.
CHAD: "Are you allergic to something?"
KELLY: "No, I just...I try not to overload on fattening foods."
Awkward moment. Chad looks at his slice: should I finish it? Kelly senses this.
KELLY: (CONT’D) "It’s really amazing. The best cake I’ve ever had hands down."
Kelly smiles at him. He smiles back. She rests her head in the crook of his arm. Chad blushes.
KELLY: (CONT’D) "What would you do if your girlfriend was talking to another guy all of the
CHAD: "Probably dump her."
KELLY: "Wow, Mr. Harsh."
CHAD: "It’s been years since I’ve been in a relationship."
KELLY:(a beat) "Love is essential for me, to my well-being. I know it sounds shallow, but the
thought of not loving someone really scares me. What if it doesn’t scare him?"
CHAD "I’m sure it does."
KELLY: "How do you know?"
Chad doesn’t know. She closes her eyes as her words hang in the air. A beat, then she starts lightly SNORING. Chad eyes his slice of cake. He tries to squeeze out, but Kelly’s got him pinned down. He sadly gives up and rests his head against a pillow.
1) Turns out she has three kids my age and wants a younger woman so that they'll have someone to go clubbin' with.
2) Has five best friends and they are all ex-girlfriends.
3) "Whisper voice" sounds like Naomi Campbell when she yells at her assistant for breathing too loudly.
4) Only eats seven times a week.
5) Drivers License says she's 41 but she acts 14.
6) Has really amazing parents but refuses to talk to them because they didn't give her a down payment for that 3 million dollar home she wanted.
7) Armpits look like Chewbacca crawled and died in 'em.
8) Believes animals and alone time belong in the grave with Hitler.
9) The last time she cried was when she was a baby.
10) Instead of going to church, she has an orgy every Sunday.
We all have our reasons for getting up and leaving the table (so to speak) on someone. Now, the hard part, is not going back for another bite because the person looks good, etc. I talk a lot of game, but dang, sometimes I just wanna go back for more even when I know the food ain't worth the price. Even when I know I will have to work off the calories in some way, and at times, it'll take months to work off.
Why do we date someone who we know is bad for us? Is it a compulsive need to try to find a sense of wholeness in us. Is it because it's easy. Or, that we know we can control whether or not we're vulnerable. I think it depends on the person, but I do know that a pretty face will always have me thinking twice. But, at times, I am very good at walking away and never going back to that restaurant...to that table --
One time I had a crush on a woman who was attracted to me. She'd flirt with me all of the time, which felt hella nice (duh). I would see her out and wave at her. But, then she told me she had drama with someone else and at that point I realized 1) she's unavailable and 2) knowing her would be like a roller coaster and 3) I had to stop talking to her for my own sake. So, that's exactly what I did. Took her off my facebook friends list. Stopped flirting with her. And, when I saw her out, I'd simply wave from a distance. I knew where that road was headin' so I decided to take a different route...and to sit at a different table.
Which brings me to the point of, we're all a work in progress. Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we cause drama and sometimes we don't. Yeah, I'm consistent 90 percent of the time, but that 10 percent is what can get me into trouble. I think it's important to always learn, grow, and be patient with ourselves. Not to be too harsh of a critic with our actions, but to always look at them with a compassionate eye. We will hurt others inevitably, and others will hurt us. We will love. We will hate. We will cry. We will make others cry. Let's grow together, shall we? We're all the same height anyway.
Gotta go make a reservation.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Semi crowded. A typical trendy West Hollywood joint. Nice bodies, fresh tans. I sit at a dirty table with a good friend. We'll call her PAM. Pam is 30 going on 18, but the good 18. As she sips on a beer, my hands fiddle with a napkin, wishing it was a glass of champagne.
This conversation is about love, as usual.
Friend: "...I often wonder if shit should be easy in the beginning. Like, part of me thinks it should and then the other part of me is like, that shit ain't possible. It's never easy with crazy lezzies."
Me: "Of course it should be easy...and steady. I want to feel amazing around the person I am dating. Like I can do whatever I want and know they'll support it."
Friend: "Shit, that's asking a lot for a date? Haha."
I laugh with her, noticing the bright, full moon at her back; she ain't laughing.
Me: "Dude, I'm not saying I want her to define who I am. I'm talking about a feeling that I feel should exist between two people, friends or lovers, that is indescribable. Peace. Calm. Support. And when that shiznit doesn't exist, when there is drama instead or something else from the jump, it ain't gonna work. For me at least."
Friend: "What about the ladies who like the drama? Like me. Ha. I love a psycho bitch."
Me: "Then it'll always be a crazy, abusive, or negative relationship."
Friend: "I'm down for that. Especially if she's bisexual. Love me some bisexuals!"
I smile at her, loving that she's always herself no matter what, with or without the beer.
Me: "That's what it comes down to. The person. What I can't deal with you can. But, I sure can't deal with thangz being stressful, drama, or crazy from the beginning. It's critical that I feel like the person I am dating is grounded. That I don't feel like the chick is going to fly off at any moment. But damn, I ain't perfect. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks or months to realize I need to get out of a bad situation."
Friend: "Good for your ass. 'Cause even when I see that bull dozer coming I still don't get out of the way."
Me: "Hey, but that works for you."
Friend: "Yes, it works for my ass...but, I want it to stop feeling so good."
Silence. We sit there, deep into our own thoughts. Why does drama feel good at moments for some of us?
Me: "...I hear you."
And, I do hear her. Louder than ever. And I think the moon heard her because now she seems to be laughing. At what, I don't know.
Life's interesting. There is hypocrisy in all of us. One second we're cold, the next we're hot. But, maybe judgment isn't good at this moment. Maybe Eckhart Tolle is on to something about living in the present, in the Now, in order to be truly Enlightened. Perhaps we think too much in terms of dating and should just dive head first into a situation that feels, looks, and tastes negative/unhealthy?
If a woman or man shows you signs of c-r-a-z-y, drama, or abuse, your ass betta RUN off that boat ASAP because it's about to crash into a huge ice berg.
1) She or he yells at you on your first date for not kissing/sleeping together.
2) He isn't over a previous partner and takes out their emotional, unresolved baggage on you by being manipulative, bitter, rude, etc.
3) She always has a new woman or man on their shoulder every time you see 'em.
4) She can't communicate beyond "hello, how are you?" unless it involves throwing things, being passive aggressive, or giving you crazy eyes.
5) She or he lives with their ex and their two kids, and they still fight at least once a week.
When ya meet someone in the Present and get Present reg flags, your Present ass needs to leave in that Present moment.
And, of course, you may have to kiss or get down and dirty a few times. But, we must come to our senses as soon as possible because while we're wasting time on a pointless relationship, the healthy one will never come to us. Like attracts like. I know, I know, easier said than done, eh? Trust, I know that no one is perfect. Damn, I sure as hell ain't. But, it's about making progress, one step at a time.