Saturday, May 30, 2009

A Conversation - Dating After a Recent Break-Up.

I sit on a couch. A dirty one with crumbs and old dust. I'm comfortable but not comfortable all at the same time. If it wasn't for the two Women in front of me, I'd be gone. But, we're in the middle of a conversation. A good one about dating and love. You know, the usual.

Lauryn Hill is playing in the background. "Ex Factor." My legs are crossed. I see the lyrics floating in my head as we passionately talk --

Friend 1: "I totally believe you can date after a recent break-up. Especially if both people were ready long before it actually ended."
There go those lyrics, flying by in my mind -- "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard." My legs start to get restless, eager for me to get into the convo. I grab a piece of gum instead.
Friend 2: " I can understand that because I've been there. Especially when I was straight and slept with guys. After my last boyfriend, I was ready to move on. Very ready!"
Me: "But, this isn't about sexual preference. Gay, straight, or bi, it doesn't matter. I don't feel like it's a wise or healthy decision to date someone who just got out of a relationship.
Friend 1: "But, who are you to judge, mama?"
Now I uncross my legs.
Me: "I'm not judging. Aight, let's say, hypothetically, you and I are on a first date. And, we've never met before. Let's say I ask you, "so, when was your last relationship?"
Friend 2: "Uh-o. I know where this is going."
Friend 1: "I would tell you my last relationship was a week ago."
Me: "How am I not supposed to want to get the check and leave after you tell me that? People need time after a relationship to at least live with the new situation. A week is too damn fast to move on and start dating."
Friend 1: "I totally get why you'd want to leave. But, I would say this to you -- my relationship didn't work out. I'm human. Yes, we were together for 4 rocky years, but now we aren't together. It has only been a week, but it ended long before that. Now I'm ready to move on, although to you, it may not seem that way because of time. But, that's the truth. Take it or leave it."'
Damn, she is convincing, and her nice thighs and eyes don't make it any easier to disagree. But, I must be me.
Friend 2: "I need to smoke."
She jets out, leaving the two of us alone on the couch. I guess it can't all be so simple.
Me: "I hear you, I do. But, for me, I would have a red flag up if a woman's trying to date me so soon after ending a relationship."
As I say the words, part of me wants to take them back. I can tell they sting. Hard. Yeah, I like to keep it real, but seeing someone hurt ain't my thang.
Friend 1: "Hey, it's all good. What doesn't work for you, works for another person. The chick I'm dating doesn't care."
She's stronger than I thought. Much stronger.
Me: "Exactly. Everyone is different. Let me ask you this. Why didn't you let it go after you guys broke up the first time? "
Friend 1: "I wasn't ready then, but now I am. And by the way, it's not like we were married. If I was married, I wouldn't fuck it up."
For some reason, I believe her. But, if her ship came my way, I'd still swim my ass to shore. We sit in silence listening to our girl -- "care for me care for me, you'd said you'd care for me. There for me, there for me, you said you'd be there for me." She lifts up her head and gives me a look. I tilt my head in curiosity.
Me: "What?"
Friend 1: "I've always been attracted to you. I remember meeting you at Lesbian Attack with my gurl. I remember telling her about you and saying, "wow, she's hot."
Oh shitniz. For a split second I forget about the dirty couch to gather my thoughts.
Me: "Cool."
Wow, that's all I could come up with?
Friend 1: "Let's go out Sunday with my gurl and her gurl."
Me: "Like a date date or a friend date thang?"
Friend 1: "A date."
I laugh. Doesn't she remember the conversation we just had?
Me: "No way suga. You're gorgeous, but no way."
Friend 1: "Come on."
As I think about it, "Ordinary People" starts to play. I look at her for a few seconds before saying --
Me: "...I'll go, but it won't be a date.
Who am I fooling? She smiles, one of those cute, smart ass smiles.
Friend 1: "Cool."
We look at each other, flirtation in our eyes. I'll blame it on John Legend if anything happens.

This is a tough one. You like someone, but he or she just got out of a relationship. What do you do? What do you say if they ask you out? What if you like her? It's not always a yes or a no answer. Things aren't always that simple, right?

But, shouldn't it be?

Let's be real. When you first meet someone, things should be easy flowing. There should be no drama and no unnecessary obstacles in the first few months, if ever. Dating and love is already hard enough as it is. And, to allow more stress and worry, puts the new relationship on a rocky foundation.

The time that can be used to get to know someone, is now being placed on thoughts like, "is she over it?" "Do I have to deal with ex drama?" These are real thoughts that many peeps have.

But . . .

Everyone is different. I know serial daters who love to be with others just out of a relationship and some individuals who won't go out on a date until someone is cleared for at least a year.

It all depends on what you want and what you're comfortable with, at least in my opinion.

Would you date someone if they just got out of a relationship?


Lori said...

Seems to me like you mix up dating and relationships all the time. Dates are dates, meant to get to know someone, meant to understand if you want to go out on a second date, the second date is where you get to figure out whether you want to go out on a third date. You rule people out for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with them and their true self or dating. Theoretically you don't decide if you want a relationship with someone until you've been on several/many dates. Theoretically it's fair game to date several people at one time. Try it instead of judging it? Maybe??

Unknown said...

Lori. Thanks for the comment. I understand where you are coming from. But, for me, I feel like it is a waste of time to date someone who just got out of a relationship a week ago. It's like someone who broke a leg two days ago and wants to walk everywhere. Gotta give some things time before you can start walkin' again...

mc_cool said...

I agree with u, lezzie, i don't think someone who just got out of a relationship is dating material. now if that person has been dating around for bit and wants to date u to see if you're relationship material, that's another story, like lori said. dating is not a commitment but if someone is still in a commitment or just got out of one, they are not ready and need to chill for a bit.