Thursday, September 29, 2011

Love, Do You Fit?


5:30am: Wake up, shake the dreams out of my hair. Shower. Pick up the newspaper I'm not going to read that's waiting on my doorstep. Drive to work.

6:30am-3:00pm: Work. Work. Work. Think of story ideas for future screenplays. Fantasize. Network.

3:00pm-3:30pm: Drive to the gym. Listen to music. Feel the wind on my arm as Maxwell blasts.

3:30pm-5:00pm: Gym. Sweat. Lift weights. Watch Anderson Cooper as I burn calories. Wonder how much longer he'll wait to come out.

5:00pm-7:00pm: Dinner. Check emails. Text. Pay bills. Call a friend or two. Write.

7:00pm-10:00pm: Screenwriting class. Go over story beats and character flaws. Laugh. Connect.

10:00pm-11:00pm: Shower. Listen to music. Pray that I have enough energy to write a blog or two. Think of what I learned in class. Fantasize.

11:30pm: Bed (alone).


Is it difficult to fit in an active dating life with the schedule that I have? Hell yes, but it is possible -- I don't have class every night. I also have a few days off a week. On one of those days, I can have a romantic evening with a lady.

Would it be difficult to date more than one or two women at a time? Not necessarily. If I'm hanging out once a week with each woman then I could probably manage. But, here's the real question to ask myself:



Saturday, September 10, 2011

Chronicles Of A 20-Something: Sometimes We Must Take a Risk.

I'm taking a big leap of faith and following my HEART.

My father and I have a book coming out in just a few weeks --

How to Get Real About Dating: A Father and Daughter's Guide to Finding Love at Any Age.

In the past few months, I have invested thousands of dollars on the book: editing, design work, etc. I don't know what is going to happen, but no matter what it has been an amazing experience.

Life's too short not to take a chance. In my experience, the greatest opportunities and experiences came after taking a risk. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

When I fell in love for the first time and took a plane to New York to meet a woman I had never met in person before. A huge risk that was an amazing experience.

Deciding to attend NYU rather than Chapman, even after I was offered a scholarship of $30,000+. My time at NYU was great.

Moving out of my mother's abusive household to live with my father and stepmother. Without making that decision, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

Sometimes you have to move past the fear and have a fu*k it attitude. Otherwise, you'll never know what could have happened if you went for it.

I'm going for it.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Love and Fear and Coffee.

You know how this goes.

I sigh...

An Older Woman sips on a steamy cup of coffee, a smile on her face. It's slightly dark outside, but the sun is starting to wake up.

I walk by, quickly sliding my shoes along the side walk, afraid of being late for work.

Somehow, I feel her smiling at my worry.

I turn to meet her laughing eyes.

Me: "Oh, hey. Wasup, gurl!? Long time no see."
Woman: "Nothing, just watching you stress, playa."
Playa. Ha, if only she knew the truth.
Me: "Yeah, I'm about to be late if I don't hurry my ass up."
I give a deep exhale, wanting to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her.
Woman: "These things happen. So, who are you dating now? how many ladies? Tell me the scoop!"
I inhale, not knowing what to say since nothing has been going down.
Me: "Nothing really. But, you know what I'm realizing? I have a lot of fear around being with someone, like in a relationship."
Woman: "What kind of fear?"
Me: "Like, what if I get hurt like the first time I was in love? What if I take a chance and it doesn't work? What if, what if, what if."
She laughs. Hard. I don't know if it was her or the sky, but suddenly everything looks a little bit brighter.
Woman: "Who doesn't think that? I've been with my guy for four years now and he won't marry me. He's like you -- afraid."
Me: "Hold up, you think about the same things, too?"
Woman: "Hell yeah. But, let me tell you something, I ain't waiting around for him. Before he left to hang out with his boys yesterday, I was walking around the house with a thong and no bra on. He loved it."
I give her a confused look.
Me: "You mean, if he doesn't wake up and smell the thong, you're out? Even though you're in love with him?"
Woman: "Absolutely. Honey, I don't have time to wait around. Four years is long enough. And, the stuff I do, maybe he can find another bitch to do it, but not one that can do it like me."
Oh, snap.
Woman: "It's all about knowing what you're worth and taking that risk. Otherwise, what else are you gonna do? Be alone?"
Me: "Yeah...I'd love to know what it is like to be in a relationship that long. Do you get bored?"
Woman: "Naw, I love that fool, even if he is making me wait a million years."
She takes a long sip of her coffee. I look in the distance, completely forgetting about the time as the sun shines on my face.

There are things in life that make us want to vomit, scream, or run like the wind.

Things that make us wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.

Hurt that causes our heart to ache and stomach to tie into knots.


We let it grab us. We let it create its own world, own story, and own characters.

I don't remember what it's like to love like the first time I fell in love.

But, when I stop allowing the fear to talk, it's so obvious that I do. And, that I can love even harder and deeper than ever before.

So, we have two choices.

1) Listen to the head.

2) Listen to the heart.

You decide.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

"I Want A Down Bitch."

You had a bad day at work, come home with an attitude, and proceed to lash out at your Boo for not cooking dinner.

Seeing that you're worked up and stressed, she allows you to vent and apologizes for not checking in with you about dinner. "I'm sorry, baby. Is there something I can make for you?"

Yeah, that's right, she even offers to cook for your rude ass.

And after you're done eating, she makes you a bath and allows you to sleep the hurt away...even if it doesn't include holding her.

That's a down bitch.

You find out that your grandmother passed away and the funeral is in a few days. Although you want to ask your lady to come with you across the country for emotional support, you decide not to since she has an important work deadline to meet.

Within a few hours, she gets permission from her boss to postpone the project and immediately books a flight for the both of you.

She packs everything, arranges for flowers to be sent, and offers a shoulder for you to cry on whenever you need to let your emotions out.

That's a down bitch.

Your car just broke down and you're trippin' because you now have to ride the bus to your job, which is 40 miles away.

Your lady let's you use her new car. Not only that, she also starts taking the bus to and from work since her commute is only 8 miles away.

That's a down bitch.

You get wasted on New Year's Eve at a club with your girl and some friends. Like, so hammered that you don't even know you're name. Vomit is all over your clothes and in your hair. Yeah, it is that bad.

Those friends of yours...they're gone. A security guard comes over and tries to carry you outside to a cab, but your chick stops him and says, "I got it."

She gets you into the car, carries you inside your pad, and bathes you. Embarrassed and ashamed you tell her to leave you alone.

Her response: "Shut up." She proceeds to finish bathing you in between forcing water down your throat.

That's a down bitch.

Some homeless guy starts talking shit to you in public about being a lesbian. You ignore him, but the derogatory statements keep coming.

Your chick, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable, waits 5 seconds to go crazy on him.






And like that, she snaps her head around and yells to the guy, "We got a fuc*ing problem, dude?"

Both you and the homeless guy have a look of fear and complete shock on your face. He sizes her up, sees that she ain't playin' around and says, "No, we don't."

"Good," she responds, and turns back around to you. "You want dessert, baby?"

That's a down bitch.

Strong. Loyal. Dependable. A rock. She isn't going anywhere. Katrina ain't moving this chick. Boxing ain't her profession, but she'll put on some gloves if she has to.

So many of us split when things get tough...or appear to be heading down that road. Ya know the type I'm talkin' about --

You guys have a fight and she says, "Are we even good together?" One disagreement has her questioning your entire relationship.

That's NOT a down bitch.

Someone else has caught her eye and she tells you: "Nothing happened, but...there's a connection." Forget the three years you shared together.

That's NOT a down bitch.

The relationship is going through a rough patch and she is shutting down instead of talking through things and trying to make it work. "I think we need a break." I guess making an effort doesn't even matter to her.

That's NOT a down bitch.

The increase in the population of Not Down Bitches is concerning.

To me, a Down Bitch doesn't play games. She doesn't sway on who she likes or juggle a whole bunch of women at one time.

When she's with you, it's just you.

It sounds kind of foreign, doesn't it? A chick who just wants you and just you? But, they're out there. I think the key is --

Believing and knowing that there's a Down Bitch out there in the Universe for you.

Perhaps if we expect amazing things to come, they will.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Love and Books and 28.9 Miles.

Sometimes it's hard to know what you want...

when there is a new second at every second and a new minute at every minute...

1,000+ breaths.

60,000 thoughts.

You know how this goes...


I sit on my hard bed as I talk on my cell phone and play with my tangled hair.

My homegurl is on the other line, we'll call her LISA.

Lisa: "So, be real, gurl. Who are you feelin' the most?"

The question throws me, just like a bug does when it turns into bug juice on my window shield.

Lauren: "I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm always going to be alone."

Lisa: "Gurrrrl."

We laugh, aware of how ridiculous my words sound.

Lauren: "I know, I'm trippin'. I haven't figured it out yet."

Lisa: "Maybe because your ass needs to put out already!"

Lauren: "Naw. That has to feel right because it's no joke."

Lisa: "Well, what do you want...a relationship or what?"

Lauren: "Gurl, I just want to be on the same page as a chick."
Lisa: "But, what page are you on?"

Oh, damn. She just called out a sistah. Um, let's see... page 1 -- 20 -- oh, no -- crap, I lost my spot.

Lauren: "I'm on page, Whatever Feels Right. And, when something doesn't, I go to the next book."

Lisa: "Well, how about this -- finish the damn book before moving on to another one."

My hand goes to my heart and my chest fills with air. For a moment, I forget about my hair and the entire world. No thoughts. Just the truth and complete silence as it bounces off the walls.

Sometimes it's important to finish the journey.

After all, it doesn't matter all that much if you run 28.9 miles when the damn race is 30 miles long.

Or, does it?

For some of us, we give up before really even trying. This can be out of fear, pure laziness, or the inability to give up control in the face of vulnerability.

Many of us are scared.

Many of us are lazy.

Many of us like control.

And, many of us run when someone touches us and we feel a Soul thrown at us unlike any other -- one that breathes unconditional love and whispers, through fingertips and footsteps, "I got chu, no matter what, Boo."

That shiznit, even when you don't finish the race, is so completely worth the journey...I don't care if your ass only reaches 200 feet.

But, what's really the worst that could happen if you reached that 30 mile mark?

Sure, you may get hurt. Actually, there's a high likelihood since a lot of relationships don't work out, but that's being straight negative. Let's go the other route -- positivity.

You could give and receive love that transforms your life.

You could give and receive love that transforms your life.

You could give and receive love that transforms your life.

In the end, in the middle, and in the beginning of the race isn't that what it's really all about?

I think it's time for me to finish that book.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

Relocating and Love and Fear.

You know how this goes...

I sit down alone, consumed by my thoughts and cold coffee. A window is at my back and the sunshine is warm on my face.

My head shoots up, distracted by the sound of heat hot footsteps.

They belong to my Friend, who is rushing toward me. I can tell that she's mad about something. What that something is...I'm sure she'll tell me.

Friend: "He's married. F*uck."
The disappointments of potential love. Been there.
Me: "'Oh no. I'm sorry, gurl. Wasn't meant to be I guess."
She sighs, sits next to me. I hope she can feel the sun on her back, too.
Friend: "Thanks, it's okay. He's probably a crazy, broke ass drunk anyway. I seem to always attract those types."
I remain silent but supportive in my gaze. We all deal with rejection in different ways.
Me: "Come on, he's a stranger in a restaurant who you'll never see again."
She turns her head toward me, the sun causing her small frame to glow. If there was such thing as a sun shower, surely this would be it.
Friend: "What if I do? It's not impossible. I could walk around a corner tomorrow or next year and run into him."
She's having a moment. Been there.
Me: "Well, hopefully he'll be divorced and then you can give it a go."
She turns away, consumed by the carpet below her feet. Yeah, she's not listening to me anymore.
Friend: "...he did say he has a brother who lives in Arizona."
My eyebrow perks up. This sounds promising. Perhaps a fling can go down?
Me: "Cool, did you get his information?"
Friend: "No, there's no point. I'd have to relocate to see him and I don't want to do that. I want someone who lives close to me."
Hold up.
Me: "So, you're going to let a few hundred miles keep you from meeting this guy?"
Without hesitation, she looks up and says --
Friend: "Yeah."
And I thought my coffee was cold...

Why is it that we're so focused on relocating when we don't even know how to locate...

our feelings

our needs


Easier said than done, I get it. But hey, what about the idea of going from A to B instead of A to Z to OMFG?

What makes many of us turn away something that can change our lives because of a six or a ten or a twenty hour drive? Hell, give me a donkey. I'll use it if it's the only thing that'll get me to the person I'm diggin'. I've never been great with horses but you better believe I'll figure it out. A kangaroo...sure, I'll squeeze in the pouch.

There are so many inconveniences happening each day, each moment, that keep people apart.

"I would go out with you, but I have work in the morning."

"You got kids? Uh, yeah, I don't do kids."

"A few months until we can have sex? I don't know about all that."

We are so busy tearing each other down instead of lifting each other up. Subconsciously saying, "you ain't good enough" when there's nothing better but YOU. Seriously, peeps.

There's nothing better than YOU.

Someone recently told me --

"When we treat ourselves like we're $10, then we'll attract people who treat us like we're $10."

Arizona isn't far, and no place truly is when we really break it down. My Friend's rejection of a complete stranger is simply a reflection of how she feels about herself -- I'm not worth the distance or the time to be loved. It's a tough thing to see in her...this fear. But, it is in us all. How can it not be?

I wonder what it would be like if we treated ourselves and each other like precious gifts?

Like diamonds, like a Picasso $5 billion dollars?

Maybe then we'd realize that there are planes.

Perhaps we'd realize that work will always be there and taking one night to spend quality time with a special individual is completely worth it.

...that kids are precious and it's a pleasure to be around them.

Then, maybe then

we'll start the engine and take a long, long drive as we realize --

we're gold.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Let's Try This Again,

So, I joined


And ya know what, I'm feeling good about it this time. Like I may actually find love.

But, if I'm being real with myself, I don't know if I really want that at this point in my life. I'm also twenty-five years old and it's becoming less and less appealing.

Over the past month or so I've met a lot of couples. Sure, they seem sorta happy, but will it last? My words don't sound supportive, but this is honestly what runs past my mind.

How can two people in their twenties maintain a lifelong relationship?

I don't know the answer, but perhaps it's not about the future or knowing what's going to happen. Maybe it's about living in the moment and not thinking about anything else.


Maybe they're actually in love.