Sunday, May 15, 2011

Love and Fear and Coffee.

You know how this goes.

I sigh...

An Older Woman sips on a steamy cup of coffee, a smile on her face. It's slightly dark outside, but the sun is starting to wake up.

I walk by, quickly sliding my shoes along the side walk, afraid of being late for work.

Somehow, I feel her smiling at my worry.

I turn to meet her laughing eyes.

Me: "Oh, hey. Wasup, gurl!? Long time no see."
Woman: "Nothing, just watching you stress, playa."
Playa. Ha, if only she knew the truth.
Me: "Yeah, I'm about to be late if I don't hurry my ass up."
I give a deep exhale, wanting to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her.
Woman: "These things happen. So, who are you dating now? how many ladies? Tell me the scoop!"
I inhale, not knowing what to say since nothing has been going down.
Me: "Nothing really. But, you know what I'm realizing? I have a lot of fear around being with someone, like in a relationship."
Woman: "What kind of fear?"
Me: "Like, what if I get hurt like the first time I was in love? What if I take a chance and it doesn't work? What if, what if, what if."
She laughs. Hard. I don't know if it was her or the sky, but suddenly everything looks a little bit brighter.
Woman: "Who doesn't think that? I've been with my guy for four years now and he won't marry me. He's like you -- afraid."
Me: "Hold up, you think about the same things, too?"
Woman: "Hell yeah. But, let me tell you something, I ain't waiting around for him. Before he left to hang out with his boys yesterday, I was walking around the house with a thong and no bra on. He loved it."
I give her a confused look.
Me: "You mean, if he doesn't wake up and smell the thong, you're out? Even though you're in love with him?"
Woman: "Absolutely. Honey, I don't have time to wait around. Four years is long enough. And, the stuff I do, maybe he can find another bitch to do it, but not one that can do it like me."
Oh, snap.
Woman: "It's all about knowing what you're worth and taking that risk. Otherwise, what else are you gonna do? Be alone?"
Me: "Yeah...I'd love to know what it is like to be in a relationship that long. Do you get bored?"
Woman: "Naw, I love that fool, even if he is making me wait a million years."
She takes a long sip of her coffee. I look in the distance, completely forgetting about the time as the sun shines on my face.

There are things in life that make us want to vomit, scream, or run like the wind.

Things that make us wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.

Hurt that causes our heart to ache and stomach to tie into knots.


We let it grab us. We let it create its own world, own story, and own characters.

I don't remember what it's like to love like the first time I fell in love.

But, when I stop allowing the fear to talk, it's so obvious that I do. And, that I can love even harder and deeper than ever before.

So, we have two choices.

1) Listen to the head.

2) Listen to the heart.

You decide.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

"I Want A Down Bitch."

You had a bad day at work, come home with an attitude, and proceed to lash out at your Boo for not cooking dinner.

Seeing that you're worked up and stressed, she allows you to vent and apologizes for not checking in with you about dinner. "I'm sorry, baby. Is there something I can make for you?"

Yeah, that's right, she even offers to cook for your rude ass.

And after you're done eating, she makes you a bath and allows you to sleep the hurt away...even if it doesn't include holding her.

That's a down bitch.

You find out that your grandmother passed away and the funeral is in a few days. Although you want to ask your lady to come with you across the country for emotional support, you decide not to since she has an important work deadline to meet.

Within a few hours, she gets permission from her boss to postpone the project and immediately books a flight for the both of you.

She packs everything, arranges for flowers to be sent, and offers a shoulder for you to cry on whenever you need to let your emotions out.

That's a down bitch.

Your car just broke down and you're trippin' because you now have to ride the bus to your job, which is 40 miles away.

Your lady let's you use her new car. Not only that, she also starts taking the bus to and from work since her commute is only 8 miles away.

That's a down bitch.

You get wasted on New Year's Eve at a club with your girl and some friends. Like, so hammered that you don't even know you're name. Vomit is all over your clothes and in your hair. Yeah, it is that bad.

Those friends of yours...they're gone. A security guard comes over and tries to carry you outside to a cab, but your chick stops him and says, "I got it."

She gets you into the car, carries you inside your pad, and bathes you. Embarrassed and ashamed you tell her to leave you alone.

Her response: "Shut up." She proceeds to finish bathing you in between forcing water down your throat.

That's a down bitch.

Some homeless guy starts talking shit to you in public about being a lesbian. You ignore him, but the derogatory statements keep coming.

Your chick, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable, waits 5 seconds to go crazy on him.






And like that, she snaps her head around and yells to the guy, "We got a fuc*ing problem, dude?"

Both you and the homeless guy have a look of fear and complete shock on your face. He sizes her up, sees that she ain't playin' around and says, "No, we don't."

"Good," she responds, and turns back around to you. "You want dessert, baby?"

That's a down bitch.

Strong. Loyal. Dependable. A rock. She isn't going anywhere. Katrina ain't moving this chick. Boxing ain't her profession, but she'll put on some gloves if she has to.

So many of us split when things get tough...or appear to be heading down that road. Ya know the type I'm talkin' about --

You guys have a fight and she says, "Are we even good together?" One disagreement has her questioning your entire relationship.

That's NOT a down bitch.

Someone else has caught her eye and she tells you: "Nothing happened, but...there's a connection." Forget the three years you shared together.

That's NOT a down bitch.

The relationship is going through a rough patch and she is shutting down instead of talking through things and trying to make it work. "I think we need a break." I guess making an effort doesn't even matter to her.

That's NOT a down bitch.

The increase in the population of Not Down Bitches is concerning.

To me, a Down Bitch doesn't play games. She doesn't sway on who she likes or juggle a whole bunch of women at one time.

When she's with you, it's just you.

It sounds kind of foreign, doesn't it? A chick who just wants you and just you? But, they're out there. I think the key is --

Believing and knowing that there's a Down Bitch out there in the Universe for you.

Perhaps if we expect amazing things to come, they will.