Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Conversation - Dating and Scones and Hearts.

Question: Is it fair to say you won't date a woman because she doesn't believe in therapy?

I guess it comes down to the two peeps involved.

To be real, we all have deal breakers as far as dating goes, like --

Small Deal Breakers
1)Smellin' bad.
2)Missin' teeth.
3)Bad kisser.

Big Deal Breakers
1)They have a terrible addiction, to alcohol or maybe even with stealing things.
2)Can't trust you, not even to take out the trash: "what took you so long to take out some damn eggs?!"
3)They have huge anger issues and believe yelling is a part of arguing.
4)...the kissin' ain't getting any better.

We all have our thangz. Some we can deal with and some we can't. Perhaps, like me, some of you rule out peeps very fast. One of my good New York friends brought this up to me oen day:

Friend: "Lauren honey, that's not fair. You're moving too fast baby girl to stop dating her. You have to go slow. Get to know the woman over time."
I sip on my Pepsi One as I listen to my friend's words flying at me, all the way from where she sits in New York. Yeah, homegirl may be thirty years older than me, but I still disagree...and secretly wish I had a chocolate scone with my beverage.

Me: "Look, when a woman tells me she likes to yell and that she's not willing to go to therapy ever, why should I waste her or my time? We won't ever be able to work shit out if we need to."
Friend: "Because people change everyday. You have to give everyone a chance."

I look outside at the swaying palm trees underneath the blue sky. A feeling of sadness rushes over me like an ocean wave. I think of how she doesn't know of all chances I've given. To all of the women I've dated with the hopes of changing them. I sigh and take a big gulp of my soda. Maybe the Splenda will understand.
Me: "As my therapist would say -- you can't change people. There are over 6 billion folks in the world. Many of whom I'm sure don't like to fight."
Friend: "There's no guarantee of that."
Me: "Of what?"
Friend: "Of you meeting someone who fits your criteria and then having them not change. A person can go from nice to mean or non violent to violent. You can't predict life, sweetheart."
There it is. I think, is she right? My heart always does this. You know, turns romantic on me, wanting to be in the clouds all day. Wanting to believe you should go into any dating situation and be with an individual no matter what.
Me: "Well, at least if she changes on a sistah we can go into therapy."
My friend laughs. I laugh back, almost spilling the rest of my delicious one calorie drink all over myself. Silence as I continue looking out at the palm trees. I feel old for a second ...and overwhelmed by how much I miss my friend. Why can't New York be around the corner? Finally, my motherly amiga breaks the silence:
Friend: "Wish I had a chocolate scone."
Me: ", too."

I know we change all of the time. It's part of being human. I guess what's essential for me is to feel like the person I'm dating is open to anything. Yes, she may change after two or three years, but if we live by that standard than we'll either end up with losers or be too afraid to be with anyone.

Like a poker hand, all I can go with is what's in front of me. I may have a great hand, or I may not. It all depends on what I choose to do with it and if I want to take a risk. I may have three Queens, but they are useless if I decide to fold. I may have no good cards, but I could win the hand if I'm fearless.

Let's go all in.

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