Friday, April 16, 2010

Conversations With A Therapist.

I sit in front of my beautiful, bald headed Therapist. She has a mug of hot chocolate while I have a nice cup of coffee.

It helps to calm me...or, perhaps, just the opposite.

Therapist: ", you feel like the relationship should have ended?"
Me: "Absolutely. Now I want to focus on healing. I know it'll take time to do that, but that's where I want the focus to be."
Therapist: "Makes sense. We all need that time. Do you think it could have been any different?"
Me: "Naw. This is how it was meant to go down. It's just...I knew in my gut it wouldn't work out. Like, I read the blogs I wrote about meeting her for the first time and I even mentioned there not being any feelings there."
Therapist: "Hmmm. Do you feel like you're at fault?"
I take a sip of coffee. Ahhhh.
Me: "I don't know. It could have been different. I definitely judged her a lot, which I feel bad about."
Me: "Honestly, I feel a little shame."
Therapist: "That's what I was trying to get at. Why do you feel that way?"
Ugh. So much talking, so much digging. But, this is good for me.
Me: "Because it didn't work out. Because I didn't protect myself and I should have...and, I just wish I could have made it work. But, it wasn't possible."
Therapist: "But, it isn't your fault. Things just don't work out sometimes."
Me: "I know and my mind gets that. My heart is just trying to catch up. I can't help but wonder what I was thinking...though I am grateful to have loved her."
Therapist: "Maybe it's a good idea, then, to focus on that. The positives she brought to your life."
Yeah. Easier said than done. We sit there, enjoying our beverage of choice and the silence of this moment.
Me: "...I had a dream last night."
Her eyebrow perks up. She smiles.
Therapist: "Oh, really. About what?"
Me: "Being in love. It was strange because the woman I was in love with is someone I work with and have zero sexual attraction none. But goodness, I can still feel how strong my feelings were for her. I felt so free, so alive. And, I could see she felt the same way about me. We laughed and had dinner over wine. There was no other place I wanted to be. It felt fuc*ing amazing."
Therapist: "Wow, I love dreams like that. It could be your Soul telling you not to worry because something amazing is on its way."
Me: "I like the sound of that. Dreams are cool."
Therapist: "Totally.
We smile to ourselves. I twist around in my seat slightly...maybe, just maybe my Soul is trying to say something to me. What that is I hope to one day figure out.


Anonymous said...

Things happen for a reason. I am grateful to have gotten to know and love you. What ifs always linger in the back of the brain. But, that's life and love. Keep doin' your thang as you would put it ;) I think of you with nothing but warmth. Sincerely,

Lauren Hamilton said...
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