INT. BAR - EARLY NIGHT
It's of those summer evenings. Again. Plus, a gorgeous sky. I look good in my pink earrings and shiny lip gloss. Two adorable Guys sit with me at a table as they sip on drinks and give their two cents about the current discussion we're having...
You know how this goes.
Guy 1: "...so, you still think about her?"
Me: "Yeah, but that's because I'll always care. I mean, you don't stop thinking about those you were once with no matter how bad or good it was."
Guy 2: "Speak for yourself, gurl."
Guy 1: "Oh, shut up, you cynic. Lauren, I want to know why you don't reach out to her since you clearly love her."
Me: "I've tried the past two years, but receive no response. What am I going to do, keep gettin' rejected? And, at some point I have to ask myself why I am reaching out to someone who clearly doesn't want a friendship?"
Guy 2: "I agree with that. If she ain't responding, then let it go. From the sound of it, this woman won't ever say anything."
Guy 1: "Well, do you still love her? I think that's what matters the most."
Me: "Yes, I do. Absolutely. But, I don't want a romantic relationship. Totally not a good idea."
Guy 2: "I think the real question is this: is she on your mind because you want what you can't have, or because you genuinely love her?"
Me: "Truthfully, it's because I care and love her. And, I don't think that's a bad thing. I have love for all of the people I was with, and this one...it's always been a tough situation."
Guy 2: "Gurl, it still is."
Me: "Who knows what the truth is, but I do know that I wish it wasn't so lame. A simple call and exchanging words over the phone isn't hard. Why call and hang up on me several times and say nothing as opposed to, "I don't want to be friends" or, "Let's never talk again?"
Guy 2: "Well, I'd probably hang up, too, after finding out it was you...I wouldn't want to go back in the past. I would want to keep it movin' and forget about it. I can hold a grudge easily, but when I get sucked back in...that's when I lose control."
Me: "So, it's all about control and power? Really? Because, if it is then that's even lamer."
Guy 1: "Well, men are different. If it's a good fuck, we can usually get over it fast."
Guy 2: "Not me. I can hold a grudge for lifetimes. And hey, you're the one who knows her, not us. Listen to your intuition. What is it saying?"
Me: "It's saying to let it be. What's meant to be will be. I am here when she's ready for a friendship."
Guy 1: "Would you date her again?"
Guy 2: "Oh, God...stop already."
Guy 1: "I'm a romantic, okay! Let me talk. Lauren, would you?"
Me: "No. We were not good for each other and that's the truth. We didn't get along well as lovers."
Guy 1: "This is funny because I'm sure what you're saying now is stuff she's saying to her friends, too."
Me: "We'll never know, will we?"
Guy 1: "Do you want to?"
Guy 2: "Another question: she sounds selfish and mean, so why do you want to have her in your life?"
Got me there. Guess I need more therapy?
Me: "I don't know what I want from her, if anything at all. Honestly, if she's the same person, then I don't want anything to do with her."
Guy 1: "Uh-o. Expectations..."
Guy 2: "Yeah, ya'll won't be talking ever again I'm sure. It sounds like a crash waiting to happen."
I sit there wondering, why do I sometimes crave a reconnection with one of my previous partners, particularly if we weren't even a good match? It's something I can't wrap my head around and wish I could forget about with a nice glass of wine. But, I take a sip of my sparking water instead, and accept things for what they are, even under a bright skin.
Who knows what's right and what's wrong.
Honestly, I think it's all about the Present moment. Whatever you do, you do it for a reason. I don't know why I still think about some of the people I do from my past, whether it's a family member or a previous lover, but the fact is that I do. And, that's okay.
However, I'm simply talkin' about thinking. I'm not talking about reaching out or trying to reestablish a relationship with folks who have been abusive. That's a different story. At times, we must let go of individuals who are too toxic in our life while we still think of him or her occasionally. In other words, if a fool hits you, run and don't ever go back.
On the realz, I think we over think things in our society -- oftentimes with our Ego. Yeah, I may reach out to someone who has been "mean" or "selfish," but in that moment, it's what I felt even if it wasn't the wisest decision.
Sometimes it isn't as easy as a therapist saying, "Consider not doing that." Sometimes you have to, in a healthy way, listen to your heart because there's always something to learn in the end.
There's power and strength in letting things come to you. What's meant to be, will be. But hey, don't be afraid to take a few risks every now 'n then.