INT. CAR - DAY
I sit under the hot sun with my cell phone in one hand and a Diet Dr. Pepper in the other. It's yummy, but ain't doing a thang to keep the sweat off my face. Or, maybe it's just my nerves.
Me: "Hey, grandad. How are you?"
Grandad: "Good, honey. Are you eating right?"
Uh, yeah, though I don't see as much salmon as I'd like.
Me: "Of course."
Grandad: "Good. Find a job yet?"
Pause. Come on Diet Dr. Pepper!
Me: "...no. Not yet."
I can hear his disappointment through the silence on the phone. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless and judged all at the same time.
Grandad: "Hmm...maybe you should study a new trade."
I laugh, thinking he's joking. But, the lack of response on the other end makes me realize he's serious. Gulp.
Grandad: "We may have to put you back in school, eh?"
Spoke too soon. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless, judged, and misunderstood all at the same time...by one of the men you love most in the world.
I know my family's words are not from a bad place. At all. And, I know that it comes down to fear. Will she have a roof over her head? Will she have enough money to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper a month from now...or health insurance. I totally understand that my family loves me and wants only the best. However,
...it still breaks my heart each time I'm asked, "got a job yet?" Or, when my father says, "whenever you get that job, I'll get you that set of golf clubs you've been wanting." Do you not see that I'm trying? Lol and sigh and lol and sigh.
I bring into focus this conversation because I know many of you are going through the same thing, even if it's unrelated to money. It could be regarding coming out to your family or consistently avoiding to tell your friend to stop doing drugs because you're scared he or she will stop talking to you.
Point being --we all have a little fear deep down. So, I say to you and to me -- don't give up. Follow your heart. I know it's hard; even as I type the words I feel my hands getting warm, but this is what life is all about. The lol-ing and the sigh-ing and the lol-ing again and again and again.