I'd Love to Taste My Food: Chronicles of A Food Addict.

We all get to a point where we feel absolutely gross. For you this may mean not showering for a few days, delaying a much needed hair cut, or going outside without lip gloss.

For me, it's when I'm wearing my I'M-A-FAT-ASS jeans. The ones that hang loose on my body and don't give me any shape because I want people to not look at me. For added effect, I also pair this with a baggy jacket and unbrushed hair. I didn't notice how rough I looked until I went on a scale in my parents' bathroom and screamed twice. First at the number I saw and second at how much I had let my appearance go.

At first I wanted to blame it on being single for so long (it has been almost three years since I had a girlfriend...like, a real one, though I have dated). Then, I realized that had nothing to do with it. I was simply eating and drinking way too much as I said to my stepmother who was next to me in the bathroom (unable to see the scale).

And as I got back into my I'm-A-Fat-Ass jeans, I realized something had to change. Like, everything. Not just on the outside but on the inside. So, I got out a piece of paper and wrote, GOALS. The first thing on the list --

#1 Stop being a fatass and look at yourself in the mirror once a day. Then, I decided to join Jenny Craig.

That's right, I joined Jenny Craig to avoid looking like this one day:

Photo Found Here

Is this a major exaggeration from the size I am today? Absolutely. Is it a realistic fear? TOTALLY. Many of us out there--Food Addicts--are one Big Mac and McFlurry away from being huge. I didn't join Jenny Craig because I'm huge; I joined out of avoidance and fear. I could feel myself right on the brink of letting it all go and that, peeps, is lethal. That one thought as I was on the scale scared me so much that I called a local Jenny Craig immediately to make an appointment.

It was a relief getting the food and starting the program. I have to be real with you: I'd love to have some butter. Or, some eggs with bacon. Hell, even a little olive oil on my vegetables would be nice. Although the program is beneficial, I'd really love to taste my food. So far all I taste is cardboard with a little salt.

But it's better than being in baggy jeans and a large sweater all of the time. I may never be the skinniest biotch on the block, but I damn well ain't going to be the fattest. 

I'll keep ya posted on my Jenny Craig progress. Goal is 12 pounds. 

Dating: Stop Screening Me!

"I feel like you're screening me." 

"Is this an interview or what?"

"Enough with the questions already!"

I wrote a book on dating as most of you know (available on Amazon.com) and, as I'm finding out, there is a lot I can learn in that area. Now, in the book I don't claim to be perfect or know everything; people in their 20s...we're a little bit of a mess to say the least. But, that can be said about many age groups. 

Here's the question I want to pose to the group (you): Do you think it's okay to ask questions on the first date, or save them for later on?

After a few recent dates and handful of women telling me that they feel like I "interview them" I have had to look within and ask myself this question. While I do think that no one should be answering questions during an entire date, it's also important to know the basics (or, the things that are important to  you). For me, I like independent, strong, and assertive women who have ambition and know how to pay their own bills. So, here are some questions that I like to ask on the first date:

Where do you work? I don't care where someone works. Just, dear God, have a job that allows you to pay your bills and not rely on anyone else.

Do you live alone? For me, I can't date a person who still lives at home with their parents. And, I do think it's a red flag if someone over 35 lives with someone else.

What was your last relationship like? This is a new one I've added since the last 4 out of 5 women I've met have had physical abuse in their prior romantic relationships. I definitely bounce if there's a history of this. 

Are you out of the closet and do you like public affection? I once dated someone who wasn't okay with holding hands or being touched on the streets of West Hollywood (one of the gayest cities in the country) and that was not only a sign of inner homophobia but just weird. And someone who is not out of the closet is simply not my thang.

Knowing this information right away prevents me from getting emotionally invested first and then feeling like it's too late to pull out because I like the person. Been there, done that and I don't want to waste time.

Recently I went on a date with a woman who is great. And for the first time, I felt interviewed. "Lauren, how many relationships have you been in?" "What's your five year plan?" "Do you see yourself living in another city?" "Are you spontaneous?" Although her assertiveness took me by surprise, I didn't mind it. That's why I think the answer to the above question I posed is: It depends on the person.

For you, perhaps any amount of questions makes you feel interviewed and turned-off. However, for someone like me I like the confidence and "I know what I want" mentality. For quite some time I dealt with women who lacked those things so I find it refreshing. It simply depends on what you like.

As my stepmother says, "There's no right or wrong answer." Do what makes you happy, even if it means throwing in a few questions...or not = )

Can You Date Someone Who is Broke?

You know how this goes…

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

It’s packed in here. I’m in a corner chatting with a FRIEND over cocktails. We’re having, what looks like, fun.

Friend: I don’t know what to do. He’s cute and has a great job. Plus, his you-know-what is HUGE.

Too much information.

Me: Yeah, but if he isn’t romantic and you need romance, what are you going to do?

Friend: Well, maybe he can change. Maybe if I tell him enough he will get it and start doing really super hot and sexy romantic things like give me flowers. I’m too cute and young not to be wooed.

I take a nice, long sip of my glass of wine. She’s making me want to get very, very drunk.

Me: You won’t change him and he’ll end up feeling very resentful. People should feel accepted and good around the person they are with. If he doesn’t, he’ll eventually feel really bad about himself and give up. I’ve been there, regretfully.

Friend: Like, you’ve been the one to try to change someone or vice versa?

Me: Both. And even when I was trying to change the other person I knew it was wrong, but I thought it would create a different effect over time.

Friend: Whatever, you’re a lesbian. It’s different.

Me: Uh, no, it’s really not.

She pounds the rest of her drink. That’s number four. Her eyes start to spin a little, but she regains her composure.

Friend: Okay, I’m going to be f*cking honest with your right now. Don’t judge me.

Ha, like that’s going to happen.

Me: Okay. Shoot.

Friend: Besides his big you-know-what, I don’t want to let him go because he has a nice job. He comes from a family that has money plus he’s career driven so I know he’ll always be able to take care of me.

Me: Makes sense. But didn’t you say he doesn’t like to take you on trips…and that he rarely plans a date?

Friend: He’s Jewish, that’s different.

Everything’s different tonight.

Friend: I’m over dating guys who are broke, don’t have their shit together, or live paycheck to paycheck. Stability is hot. I like the fact that he is so focused on his goals. But, I totally want flowers, which I keep telling him. Ugh, but he gets the cheap ones. Ew.

Me: Let’s focus on what you’re saying is a need of yours. You need romance. If you don’t feel special with him, money doesn’t matter as much right?

Friend: I don’t know. I may need another drink to figure it out.

Me: Look at the pattern. You get resentful, tell him he’s not taking you out enough, he promises to do better, doesn’t live up to your expectations, and then you blow up and dump him. After a day or two you go back. This has happened, what, four times in three months?

She starts to look off in the distance.

Friend: He’s just so good in bed. Sorry, but that’s hard to just let go of combined with his money. He’s going to be rich one day. I know it.

Me: Wow, you don’t sound superficial at all. That’s sarcasm, by the way. Look, everyone has a currency. Like, if I’m dating someone who is broke but always cooks, makes an effort to do special things, and is affectionate in private and in public, then I’m cool. Currency is different for everyone.

Friend: Then what you’re saying is the currency I need is money?

Me: And romance, girl, which means your guy doesn’t have what you’re looking for unless you accept him for who he is and know that he may never be as romantic as you’d like.

Friend: Ew.

Me: I know. But think of the time and hurt you’ll save by figuring this out now. You like him--we know this. Do you love him?

Friend: Almost.

I laugh.

Me: Can you see a life without him?

Friend: OMG, stop asking me these questions. Just tell me how I can make him give me cute flowers and take me to Big Bear.

I sigh and order another round of drinks, now throwing in the towel. This conversation keeps going in circles. At least I can get to the point where maybe I’m spinning, too.

Everyone has deal breakers. For some, maybe it is the fact that a person is broke, or maybe that there is no intellectual stimulation.

Whatever it is for you, that’s cool. But, trying to change someone to fit into your expectations won’t get you the results you desire. That’s the real, on the real, for real.

Perhaps a better question is, Can You Deal with Their Currency? My Friend was so busy focusing on her guy’s lack of romance instead of what he brings to the table, which is shocking because he has checks in 9 out of the 10 boxes on her What-I-Need-in-A-Guy List.

I dated someone who didn’t communicate well. However, in person it was great. I got her undivided attention and she was very sweet. But when I wasn’t face-to-face with her, there was little to no contact. Texts weren’t responded to in a timely manner, she didn’t pick up her phone sometimes, etc. Instead of trying to change this about her, I just asked myself: is this a deal breaker for me? Do her other currencies outweigh this one incompatibility? Turns out, I couldn’t deal with it. So, I took a step back. I didn’t try to change her or complain about it, just let it go. What ended up happening was she improved communication on her own.

Sometimes you have to let people, or a situation, go in order to see what you really have—if anything at all. 

                                                      What's your currency?

Does Love Have A Window Period?

There are moments in my life that flash by, others that stick like glue to my guts and my bones and the insides of my heart. And then there are those long forgotten, only seen in a dream – and then lost all over again. Some things fly away and some things stick forever. What moments we allow to come inside, well, that depends on how much we open our window.

Let’s go back to a time involving two people – one getting real, and one doing everything but that.

 

You know how this goes…

INT. ROOM – NIGHT

I sit on my bed snuggled in between a few blankets. Cozy is the word that comes to mind. A cell phone is to my ear as I talk to my FRIEND on the phone.

Me: “Thanks for coming to my party and basically doing everything.”

Friend: “That was basic. Cooking comes naturally to me. I’ve hosted Thanksgiving on my own a few times.”

Me: “Wow. That’s inspiring.”

Friend: “Yeah. So how’d your session go. Figure anything out?”

I gulp. That gulp that I do when I get a little nervous.

Me: “It went well. Just talked about my feelings and what my boundaries are right now.”

Friend: “And what was decided?”

Me: “Uh, not much. It’s a process.”

Friend: “Look, let’s get real, you know like your book. I mean I get where you’re coming from, wanting to be ready but I’m about to put you in the friend category. Just being honest.”

GULP.

Me: “It hasn’t even been that long.”

Friend: “Doesn’t matter. My feelings are starting to get hurt and it’s making me feel sad. I’m a physical person who needs affection. If that’s not there, we’re just friends, which is okay. But it can’t be in between.”

My Friend’s clear needs take me by surprise. I’m not used to such frankness, such a lets-get-real approach. It feels grown and very scary. I straighten and rub my neck – another nervous quirk.

Me: “Uh, whoa. I didn’t know it was having this affect. I just want to be sure before doing anything on the romantic end.”

Friend: “I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t have time. This year I’m not putting up with any B.S.”

Me: “I understand that, trust me. But don’t you feel like it’s important to live in the moment?”

Friend: “Absolutely. This is different. I don’t like feeling like I’m not good enough or like I’m constantly being asked private things when you have no right, as a friend, to do so.”

‘Not feeling good enough’. My Friend’s words hit me and I suddenly understand what she’s saying and where she’s coming from. No one deserves to feel that way.

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. So, I’m basically going to be on the friend list forever if I don’t figure it out soon?”

My Friend laughs one of her easy and sweet laughs. I smile, too.

Friend: “Not to give an ultimatum, but yeah. I feel like you’re special so I’ve been patient...I mean even having this conversation for an hour. My time is limited with work, reading, fitness, and my other goals. It’s all an investment to me.”

Me: “Got it. I understand where you’re coming from because I do believe that certain things have a window period. Sometimes it can shut quickly and can’t be open again.”

Silence. My heart starts beating a little faster as I feel fear creeping closer. What ifs run through my mind – no one likes to get hurt.

Me: “Okay, relax. Everything’s going to work out. You’re spectacular, the best, and deserve to feel nothing but appreciated. We will talk in person on Friday and get on the same page. Don’t worry.”

Friend: “Hopefully it won’t be too late. Just kidding, I’m looking forward to it.”

-CLICK-

I close my phone and sit there, puzzled and floored all at the same time. After a minute or so, I start to wonder: Can someone be forced into walking inside the window and going in? Do some people need to feel a nice, cold chill in order to realize it’s better on the inside where it’s nice and warm?

At first I thought, “No way! It’s not possible to be cornered, to be pressured into a decision. But, then I thought about it more and realized that IT IS when the potential loss of something great is the other option. Suddenly, the thought of the window going down defeats the fear – sort of like a survival mechanism. (Don’t leave me out here all alone! Extreme, but you feel me). What seems blurry may become clear within minutes, seconds, hours, or days.

Perhaps the real issue is FEAR and learning how to quiet its thoughts. Perhaps when the focus isn’t on fear and it’s pushed to the side, only the truth is left. I think certain folks need to be pressured, thrive on it in fact; sort of like needing a deadline for a term paper in college. Sometimes, this brings out the BEST in people. On the other hand, there are those who can’t step up and continue feeding the fear when the pressure comes. One isn’t better than the other, right or wrong – just reality.  

In one way or another, love has a window period. I could feel it through the phone – my friend’s truth – and knew this person would close the window without hesitation, rightfully believing she deserves the best.

Then, shortly after getting off the phone, my heart stops racing and I slowly sink back into my blankets, realizing that I deserve the best, too.  

Life's About Risk . . . Right?!

There are things in life that may make us feel . . .

. . . scared, hopeless, or even left wondering -- "What the heck am I doing?"

Sometimes we may feel like all of the effort, money, and time we're putting into a project or passion is going no where. 

You clock in, you clock out, you stay out of trouble and pay the bills.

Doesn't that mean you're entitled to your piece of the wealthy pie? Doesn't that mean we'll eventually get recognition and praise from everyone who comes across us? Don't we all get a shot like everyone else in the Universe who has made it and achieved success?

Honestly, I go back and forth on my answer to these questions. As many of you know I have been working on a book for years now -- How to Get Real About Dating -- that I genuinely feel is going to be a best seller one day.

Does it feel good that I have spent thousands of dollars on marketing, coaching, and more? Does it feel good that I still work a 9-5 job and often feel exhausted as I work on my book? I just spent over $1,000 on media coaching in the past month and we won't even go into styling, make-up, clothes, and more for interviews.

Have I made a profit yet?  N-O.

Let's delve deeper. How does all of this make me feel? Going after the American dream in which I give my all, work hard, stay out of trouble, invest in my future (risk) and hope that it will pay off in the form of wealth and happiness down the road?

SCARY

No lie, I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what's going to happen in the next three months, three years, or three decades. Who knows if anything will happen with my passion project . . . I may still be working my current 9-5 in a few years (goodness, I hope not). Overall, the risk of losing everything and gaining nothing is simply frightful. 

However,

If you're not taking a risk in life and going for you're dream(s), then what the heck are you living for? Sure, I could sleep a little easier at night and not feel so stressed about the unknown if i didn't pursue writing a book with my dad, but what's the flip side? I have more money in my bank account and live a boring, safe life? I think I have to go with taking the risk. It makes life more exciting.

I was watching this show on Food Network about contestants trying to win this food truck race. One of  teams consisted on three women -- a daughter, her mom, and their friend. The daughter was talking about how her mom seemed so happy now that she quit her job of many years to run the food truck with her. "I've haven't seen her this happy in years," she exclaimed to the camera with a bright smile. 

This was a sign to me, that I'm doing the right thing . . . and, so are you. Sure, you may feel scared like I do at times. But, look what you're avoiding -- that mother on the food truck spent years miserable because she wasn't LIVING. And when she started to live and took a RISK, that's when she was able to truly be happy.

So, whenever you're down and out and feel like you're never going to get a shot or will always be broke because of the sacrifices you're making for your passion, take a moment to tell yourself:

"I'm living."

Chronicles of A Person: What Men Like...

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
I stand as I work hard to polish one of the many glasses in front of me for this evening's dinner service. 10 down, 50 to go. My mind starts to wander and lands on thoughts of love: what is important to guys? What makes them settle down with a woman?

I spot one of my co-workers who is always down to have a love talk. Plus, he's perfect for this question: handsome, middle-aged, bachelor, and very popular with the ladies. We'll call him Henry. 

I put down the glass and focus on the real matter at hand.

Me: Yo, Henry, got a question for ya.
He immediately puts down the plate in his hand; I knew he'd be interested.
Henry: What's good?
Why do guys talk like that?
Me: Be real with me. What do guys need in a woman to be in a relationship, or date?
Henry: Loyalty, to name one.
Me: What about, like, her taking you out and making you feel special?
Henry: Naw, we don't really care about that. I don't mind paying for my girl's stuff or when we go out as long as she's loyal to me and only me.
Me: That's so interesting. For me, I like to feel special by the woman I'm dating.
Henry: I think it's different for women, though. For guys, when a woman is loyal that makes us feel special. We also need support and to know that she's going to hold things down.
Me: Hold things down how?
Henry: If we have kids and a home and I'm taking care of everything, then she would need to make sure the home is on point. And take care of the kids as well. She wouldn't have to do everything, just help in that way. I wouldn't have any issue with paying for everything if she held things down.
Me: Wow.
Henry: Lauren, it's tough to find a girl who will be loyal, committed, and supportive to you and only you. That's why it takes me so long to settle down. Men don't give up their lifestyle for a woman unless she's coming with a lot on her end.
Me: Okay, so if she's broke and doesn't want to work but has all of those qualities...you are cool with that?
Henry: Absolutely. I don't mind paying if she's contributing in other ways.
I absent-mindedly grab the glass again as I absorb everything he just said. Men are definitely different than women...right?
Me: What if you're broke and can't provide that lifestyle for her?
Henry: Then I wouldn't go out with her until I got my life together. Women want a stable man.
Me: Isn't that superficial if she wouldn't date you for that reason?
Henry: Absolutely not, and I get it. Just like now, I'm a server but women who have their sh*t together still date me because I have other goals outside of my 9-5. Plus, I get paid well. Most older women wouldn't date a guy who serves tables.
Me: I disagree with that. Women date me.
Henry: It's different for women who serve tables. Plus, you're young.
Another one of my co-workers walks by and picks up on our conversation. We'll call him James.
James: He's right. I never tell women I wait tables. They want to feel like the guy can provide for them. And, a big one is feeling like she can take me home to her parents. Women don't want to take a guy home who is a server.
Henry: So true.
Me: It sounds cold-blooded to me.
Henry: It isn't at all. But for women it's different. Guys don't care if a woman is a waitress. We like the idea of being able to take her out of that job and provide better for her.
James: I just met a woman last night and I could tell she came from money and was highly educated. She also told me she has a great job in the corporate field. I waited a while to tell her that I am a server.
Me: You make it sound like what you do is a bad thing.
James: To women like that, it is!
Henry: But, women like that WOULD date a server IF they felt like the guy has potential. Like, the women who meet me always say that about me. Plus, I have other goals. It just depends on how much the woman is willing to invest in you.
James: Yeah, if she thinks you're a loser with no future, she won't look twice at a guy.
Henry: There may be exceptions, but not many. Do you really think a woman who works at a Fortune 500 company would be down to date a guy who is a server or bus driver, even if they are the same age?
James: No way, man.
Me: I truly feel like it depends on the woman. If there is a strong connection, then yes! Damn, am I the only romantic out there left in the world?
James: It's the truth. Women don't want to date a loser.
Me: James, just because you're a server doesn't mean you are a loser.
Henry: Lauren, we're not saying we're losers. We're just saying to women we don't have a future lined up...we aren't stable and, therefore, aren't as appealing as a guy who is a lawyer or doctor. And I get that. Do you think it's attractive if a woman works as a server?
Me: I think it would depend on if she is doing something else with her life. If that's all she had planned, then, no, I wouldn't like that. But that's because I need a passionate partner...it doesn't matter what she does for a living.
Damn, this glass is taking forever to polish.
Henry: Exactly. And even if she had other goals, you'd eventually get sick of it.
James: Yeah, after paying for most of the bills and events you guys attend, after a few years you'd get over it.
Me: Hmmm. But, that's not with just serving tables. That would be with any job that the woman has if it isn't her passion. If her passion was waiting tables then I would support it.
Henry: What if you wanted to have kids? How would she support kids and a home?
Me: We'd have to figure that out between the two of us. But, for me, the main thing is that she's passionate about something. I don't care what the woman does -- just be passionate!
James: Well, men do care. And, so do women. That's why I have to get my life together.
Me: James, you're like 28 years old.
James: If I want this woman to take me serious, I need to step up my game. I'm going to go buy some suits tomorrow. I have to go check my tables.
With that, he's gone. I turn to Henry who is looking down at the plate.
Me: What's wrong, dude? What's good?
Look at me, sounding like one of the guys.
Henry: I'm cool. It sucks but women naturally want to feel provided for and what I do doesn't do that.
Me: Henry, don't you realize that the right woman for you won't care about what you do for a living? She will be everything that you just said -- loyal, supportive, and committed. You have to get it out of your head that this matters so much. You are going to be a huge actor one day. Believe it.
Henry: I just turned 42 years old. Come on. Anyway, you wanted to know what men like, so there ya go.
Me: Hold up. Sure, I'm a gay woman, but it doesn't matter. If I met a woman with as much drive, talent, and intelligence as you have I would stick by her no matter what she did for a living.
Henry: Cool.
'Cool' -- a guy's way of saying, "thank you". I'll take it!
Me: You're welcome.
I say this to myself as he walks away. My glass is suddenly starting to look very shiny. Only 49 more to go.

According to Henry and most of the men I talk to, they value loyalty, commitment, and support from the woman they are dating. And in return, they wouldn't mind paying for everything if she provides these qualities. But, wouldn't a supportive woman be understanding of Henry's job? Wouldn't she NOT care about what he does for a living, as long as he has a job and feels happy?

I truly don't believe these things are a matter of being a certain gender or sexual orientation. These are stereotypes and social pressures that are still prevalent, to the point that they create insecurities so deep that peeps like Henry/James feel unworthy despite how amazing they are. If a woman or man judges you for what you do for a living, then it's their loss and it is also THEIR ISSUE.

"Lauren, what if it's my preference to date someone with a certain type of job? Does this make me a bad person for wanting this from my lover?"

If that's your preference and desire, then okay. Just as people shouldn't judge others, you shouldn't be judged for your ideals in a love match. I would just consider hearing that person out and seeing if they have an ultimate plan. What if that person is in school studying to be a doctor and will be within a few years?

Are you willing to wait?

If someone judges you for what you do, what do you think he or she will do when tough times come? What if you currently work as a doctor and lose your job? What if you suddenly have no money? You think that person will stick around through thick and thin? I may not feel absolutely elated by the idea of what I do for a living, but I know that I have a lot to offer. So, when a woman judges me for my 9-5, I just think: "Her loss!"

So, really look at what you're looking for in a love match. And also look at YOU. Steve Harvey often talks about how he met his now wife years ago when he was broke and doing stand-up. For him, he needed to feel stable and like he could provide for his woman. He wanted to get his life together for himself. I get that. So, if you feel like you aren't secure and want to be, then hold off on seriously dating because if you bring that feeling into a dating experience it probably won't work out.

Stay positive and stay real, peeps.

Chronicles of A 20-something...Life and 401Ks.

Today I watched the Suze Orman Show and felt super bad about myself.

I'm someone who doesn't have any debt. I'm in my mid-20s AND I have a little bit saved just in case of a rainy day (just like my parents told me).

So, when a 24-year-old woman called in to ask if she should purchase a purse that cost $1,500 I screamed, "No way. She can't afford it!"

And then Suze analyzed her current monetary situation, learning the following: she has NO debt, over $30K in savings, $25K in retirement, and $15K in some other account. Yeah, Suze approved her!

Okay, I'm officially a loser.

That's what I thought after listening to this young lady who is so ahead of the game in her life. Oh, and did I mention that her rent is only $600 a month?!

It makes me wonder if I am on the right path? Am I taking a huge risk by investing a lot of my savings in my passion--writing--and hoping that something comes of it? Well, yes, I am taking a risk. Will anything ever come of it or will I end up broke and alone with nothing to show for it?

Okay, I know, I'm being dramatic. But, I think it's a concern that MANY people have in life. WILL I SUCCEED? Will all of my hard work pay off so that I can sip on a margarita in Hawaii for the last twenty years of my life?

Here's what I think it comes down to -- what matters to YOU. If you are happy sharing a studio apartment with your smelly friend so that you can afford to live in Los Angeles, do it. If you are like that young lady on Suze's show who needs a nice cushion and a security blanket, I feel ya!

AND, if you're like me...you'd rather risk it all so that you can at least say you tried -- adjust that a little bit. 

Even Oprah has a 401K.