Sunday, May 15, 2011

Love and Fear and Coffee.

You know how this goes.

I sigh...

An Older Woman sips on a steamy cup of coffee, a smile on her face. It's slightly dark outside, but the sun is starting to wake up.

I walk by, quickly sliding my shoes along the side walk, afraid of being late for work.

Somehow, I feel her smiling at my worry.

I turn to meet her laughing eyes.

Me: "Oh, hey. Wasup, gurl!? Long time no see."
Woman: "Nothing, just watching you stress, playa."
Playa. Ha, if only she knew the truth.
Me: "Yeah, I'm about to be late if I don't hurry my ass up."
I give a deep exhale, wanting to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her.
Woman: "These things happen. So, who are you dating now? how many ladies? Tell me the scoop!"
I inhale, not knowing what to say since nothing has been going down.
Me: "Nothing really. But, you know what I'm realizing? I have a lot of fear around being with someone, like in a relationship."
Woman: "What kind of fear?"
Me: "Like, what if I get hurt like the first time I was in love? What if I take a chance and it doesn't work? What if, what if, what if."
She laughs. Hard. I don't know if it was her or the sky, but suddenly everything looks a little bit brighter.
Woman: "Who doesn't think that? I've been with my guy for four years now and he won't marry me. He's like you -- afraid."
Me: "Hold up, you think about the same things, too?"
Woman: "Hell yeah. But, let me tell you something, I ain't waiting around for him. Before he left to hang out with his boys yesterday, I was walking around the house with a thong and no bra on. He loved it."
I give her a confused look.
Me: "You mean, if he doesn't wake up and smell the thong, you're out? Even though you're in love with him?"
Woman: "Absolutely. Honey, I don't have time to wait around. Four years is long enough. And, the stuff I do, maybe he can find another bitch to do it, but not one that can do it like me."
Oh, snap.
Woman: "It's all about knowing what you're worth and taking that risk. Otherwise, what else are you gonna do? Be alone?"
Me: "Yeah...I'd love to know what it is like to be in a relationship that long. Do you get bored?"
Woman: "Naw, I love that fool, even if he is making me wait a million years."
She takes a long sip of her coffee. I look in the distance, completely forgetting about the time as the sun shines on my face.

There are things in life that make us want to vomit, scream, or run like the wind.

Things that make us wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.

Hurt that causes our heart to ache and stomach to tie into knots.


We let it grab us. We let it create its own world, own story, and own characters.

I don't remember what it's like to love like the first time I fell in love.

But, when I stop allowing the fear to talk, it's so obvious that I do. And, that I can love even harder and deeper than ever before.

So, we have two choices.

1) Listen to the head.

2) Listen to the heart.

You decide.

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