It's true. I like to dream, but who doesn't?
You know how this goes. I sigh. . .
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
I sit next to a Friend of mine as we sip on drinks. Me, wine. Her, vodka. Straight up.
Friend: "Gurl, you need you some lovin'."
I turn to her with a curious expression on my face. Actually, more like confused.
Me: "You mean like, love lovin' or like love no-love lovin' ?
Friend: "Gurl, skip the romantic shit. I'm talking about snuggling, one nights stands. Just do it. Get you someone who will make you feeeeel good for a night or two like I do. It's nice!"
I've been there, done that. Not for me, or my heart.
Me: "I hear you, but that's not what I'm looking for right now."
Friend: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "I'm looking to date a woman in the hopes of one day having a healthy, romantic relationship."
Friend: "Wow, what textbook did you get that from?"
Me: "It's real."
Friend: "I feel you. I'm the same way. I like relationships, but in the meantime it's okay to find someone to have fun with. Or, just to snuggle with every now 'n then. When was the last time you were in a relationship?"
Wow, let me think...
Me: "Almost a year ago."
Friend: "Damn. What about the last time you had sex?"
I remain silent.
She takes a long sip of her drink. Yeah, that's how I feel, too.
Friend: "That ain't right, gurl. You definitely need to find you a nice gurl to have fun with. Not wifey."
Me: "Look, us women don't work like that. We always want more. I can't just hang out with someone as if we're lovers and not want to be in a relationship with her. And, I can't do the just fuc*king thang either."
Friend: "You don't have to have sex."
I look down at my wine, give it a look that says: you agree with me, right?
Me: "To me, that feels like a relationship. Snuggling, holding each other, etc. That's very intimate. Very. I don't let just anyone hold me."
Friend: "...who am I kidding. Neither can I. But, sometimes, it's just nice to feel good. You know how you're working on living in the moment and not judging anything?"
Friend: "Maybe this is a good way to practice it. Go out with some of these women and see what your gut is saying at that moment. Just go with that."
I take in her words, appreciating who she is and what she brings to my life. Yeah, I still don't agree, but I understand what she's saying.
Friend: "Want another glass of wine?"
I smile, not really wanting a second glass, but knowing she wants to do something kind in this moment.
To have sex or not to have sex, is that the question? Or, to cuddle and not to cuddle.
Whateva, you know what I mean. To be real, I think it comes down to the person. Sure, it gets lonely being single at times, but I'm not going to settle. And yes, I get it. "Friends with benefits" ain't settling, but for me...it feels that way.
I want the real thang - a relationship. The fact that I'm alone now gives me more time to work on myself so that I'm more prepared for that amazing woman who comes along. Ya know, the one who is everything I'm looking for 'n then some.
Yes, I'm working on not judging others so much. And, I'm also learning to accept people for who they are.