Monday, December 21, 2009

Brittany Murphy.

We all know her well. I know I do. Damn, I watched Clueless, like, over a million times.

Brittany Murphy = da shiznit.


(photo found here)

32. Young. Beautiful. Talented.

Rest in peace, yo.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Princess and the Frog.

It's about time America and Walt Disney welcomed its fist black princess to da big screen.

(photo found here)

Her name is Tiana and tomorrow night, her film comes out.

Amidst all of this Obamamania, I believe this film will attract peeps who would probably not see it a year ago. And, let's face it, half of them will probably be there because Oprah's a part of the project. I know I'm one of 'em. How do I feel?

Proud.

Proud to be a black woman, screenwriter, and human being.

Disney, you're movin' on up. Congrats.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Late Night Conversation.

You know how this goes...

I sigh.

INT. BAR - NIGHT
Champagne. No cherry. I have a hoody on and it feels nice. Next to me sits a good Friend.

We're talking about love and hurt and assholes.

Me: "So, did your girlfriend have a good time during her visit?"
My Friend pauses, not taking her eyes off the glass of merlot in front of her.
Friend: "Umm...we had a terrible fight. She left after a few days. I bought her a ticket and now she's back in Italy."
Huh? I glance at my champagne glass, distracted by the popping bubbles. Are they surprised, too?
Me: "Wow. What the hell happened?"
Friend: "I'm...I don't know. I miss her when she's gone and can't stand it when she's here. We just fight all of the time. This girl gave me a hug at a bar and she went crazy. We yelled and screamed until she finally told me she wants to go back to Italy."
Me: "So, you're going to move back there, right?"
Pause.
Me: "...hello?"
Friend: "I don't know. I mean, maybe. I want to give it time. We've been together four years. I'm in love with her but want to think right now."
Me: "If you're in love with her, wouldn't you be there?"
Pause.
Friend: "I guess you're right. I should be there if I truly love her in that way, but I like my life here."
Me: "Well, do you think you're in love with her?"
Friend: "Yes. I mean, she annoys me. I just ignore her when she's mad now and she hates it. I went surfing alone and left her at the house when she was here."
Damn.
Friend: "I don't know if this makes sense, but I know it won't matter. How I treat her. She'll still be there."
Me: "Like, you know you can get away with whatever?"
Friend: "As bad as it sounds, yes. She'll come back."
Me: "So, that's why you're mean to her?"
Friend: "Yes, and her crazy possessive behavior makes me act that way."
Me: "Oh, come on now. You can't blame that on her. You're in control of your actions, not her."
Friend: "I know. I'm an asshole. I can't help it. I try to change."
I sit there, quiet. What is there to say?
Me: "Maybe you just need some space, emotionally, for a while to see where your heart will end up."
Friend: "I don't know what I need."
I take a sip of my lovely champange, letting the music and conversation take over our attention. Sometimes words just ain't needed.

This is a tough one to swallow. I find myself not able or wanting to get on her case for being rude to her girlfriend. Sometimes we can't explain the things that we do, and I get that. I've been there. But, ultimately, what makes me sympathize with her is the fact that she seems so stuck. Not knowing whether to break up or continue a relationship that has no great destination. I gotta say, though, that it's hard not to get on her ass since she's been with this woman for so many years and doesn't seem to be in love anymore.

But hey, what do I know? Perhaps they are madly in love and just going through a frustrated point in their lives. Maybe they both need to be living in Italy in order to have a fair shot together.

Sigh. Screw that. If it's meant to be, it'll be. No matter the distance, time, or issue. Being in love is being in love. Just like being out of love is, well...

being out of love.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Come Out, Come Out. . .


All of the peeps watching The Today Show had a nice surprise on this morning's show when actress Meredith Baxter ("Family Ties") told the world she's a lesbian.
I could come up with numerous jokes about this news, but what matters most is that she finally found the courage to be herself. For that, I am thankful and excited to see others follow in her footsteps.
Welcome to Lezzie Land, Meredith.

Tiger Woods - Stuck in A Sandtrap.

Welp, it's official, folks. Tiger Woods had at least 1 affair, if not many more.

I gotta say, I'm shocked. Like Kobe Bryant's transgressions a few years back (r-a-p-e allegations), I just didn't see it coming. How can this sweet lookin' Mo-Fo be cheating on his wife? Okay, I guess one reason could be he's unhappy, but why not get a divorce? 'Cause the way thangz are going down right now it's more embarrassing for everyone involved by not signing those papers.

Which inspires me to ask, where's the respect? At the end of the day, that should be there. I can totally understand falling out of love with an individual, but not completely throwing care and consideration out da window. We all know that Tiger was lying, which caused his wife to go through his phone (amongst other things, probably). All he had to do was break it down and tell her, "I'm seeing other women. I'm not happy in this marriage." Sure, maybe he did, but I doubt it. Tiger was obviously very sneaky and dishonest about his cheating (check out the voicemails he left some of the ladies he slept with).

Okay, let me try to understand something real quick. What would cause me to go through my partner's phone? Hmm, I NEVER would, but if I did, this would be why --

-If she was telling constant lies that were driving me insane.
-If she wouldn't answer my questions, or ignored me when I asked about the possibility of her cheating.
-If I saw pics of her flirting with other women in different parts of the country.

But, once again, I am brought back to this question: is it our business? A few days ago, I would have said NO. But, now it is a definitely Yes. This man is a public figure who everyone recognizes in the world. He has a brand and an image to maintain. I've payed to see him and bought numerous products featuring his face smack dab on the front of it.

Tiger, you owe us an explanation. Straight up. No more of the superficial statements on your website. Get out of your house, put a band aid and Neosporin on your cut up face, and get your black booty to a TV studio.

I'm waiting with the rest of da world.

Things I Lost in Da Fire.

Well, we all learn lessons. Some the easy way and some the hard way.

I loaned an acquaintance my favorite book by Eckhart Tolle -- The Power of Now -- over three months ago, thinking I'd get it back within a reasonable amount of time. Honestly, I was glad to share it with her because we share some similar perspectives and I knew she'd appreciate his words. But, when someone else wanted to read my book, I asked for it back. No response. Then, I asked again and again. Then, after weeks of asking I realized --

Lauren, you can just buy another book and stop creating drama. She's not going to respond or mail it back to you and there are many places this energy can go toward that's being wasted on getting the book back.

Word. Sure, it means a lot to me for numerous reasons (the writing I scribbled, the worn pages, the smell), but it means more that my energy is focused on positive actions. And, pestering someone about an item I loaned ultimately doesn't matter in the scheme of thangz.

For example, maybe she's meant to keep the book. Perhaps one day years or months from now she'll find it under a cluttered sofa and read it during a troubled time in her life -- the catalyst to her awakening. Or, maybe she'll pass it on to another friend who so desperately needs the embrace of Eckhart's words and finds inspiration through them.

Who knows why certain things happen.

I mention this situation to you all to highlight the power of letting go and giving up the fight on battles that don't matter or do us any good. If you loan something to a friend, don't think you will or won't get it back. Just know that what you're doing is happening for a reason.

Give with love, knowing that the love may not be returned. And, be okay with that.

Truth is, I know nothing about her. We've never even had a deep conversation about who we really are or what we want in life. I don't even think she knows where I am from honestly. But, this is Los Angeles and this is the world...at times we just don't know a damn thang about each other.

Gotta go hit up Amazon.com. Besos.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Tiger to Da No Wood.

Okay, so, if you haven't heard, Tiger Woods ran into a fire hydrant and a tree at around 2:15 am outside of his 3 million dollar mansion. Apparently, his wife, Elin Nordegren, heard the collision and ran out to save him. How did she do this?

By hitting the window of his Escalade with a golf club and then pulling him out to safety.

Look, I am never one to assume negative thangs about peeps -- wait, I'm lying. I totally assume the worst. But hey, even Mother Theresa would be like, "Aight Tiger, what really happened?"

Right???

I saw the pics of his smashed up vehicle on TMZ's website. How does someone cause that much damage, even if they are a bad driver, right outside of his or her home? I mean, damn, you can't make up the usual excuses like --

I wasn't used to my surroundings.

OR

I didn't know the speed limit.

OR

I got lost.

It just doesn't work when you crash your vehicle right outside of your freakin' crib. So, this is why I am left to suspect there was more to this story that the world doesn't know about. Like, maybe Tiger got into some trouble and his wife confronted him about it. Or, maybe Tiger got sick of her ass and needed to go get some air. Hell, she probably was attacking him with a golf club after finding out he was having an affair. But, let's be real --

It's none of our business, folks. Whatever happened should stay with Tiger. I would never explain to the world why I left my own house at 2 in the morning regardless of how famous I am -- my private life is MY private life. No one has any business knowing why I do the things I do, like taking a late night drive to get away from my annoying wife.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Letter From A Reader - For Inspiration.

For all of you who give on a daily basis whether it's your words, money, or a few meals to a homeless person, I say to you -- what you do matters.

I am sharing an E-mail I recently received because not only did it make my day, but it also reminded me of the impact each and every one of us can make on this universe.

You know how this goes --

So, I was on the AfterEllen website and I noticed a new video blog and naturally I clicked on it and there you were. I def noticed your hair first because I love your hair (as a person with natural hair myself) and so I said what the heck. And that was last night and I spent my morning reading your blog, completely moved by your writing and your thoughts and the people you encounter and the conversations you have. I couldn't stop reading, and now I have tears in my eyes..although i'm not totally sure why. I just feel different, I feel open, I feel somewhat new. I am a pretty open, honest person who feels and do not see the need to hide those feelings because I am a firm believer in allowing yourself to feel emotions as they come because they matter. So, just reading your thoughts and reading as you go through your experiences to some degree has me jealous. Besides my gf/partners/spouse/::insert appropriate word here:: and bestfriend I am lacking those conversations I feel are necessary in order to grow and experience life. I really have nothing to say, but I felt compelled to send you an email. I guess I simply want to say Thank You. There has been a shift or awarness within myself that was not present yesterday afternoon and I know I have you to thank for that.

Keep doing what you do, peeps.

It
matters.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Health Care Plan.

I don't really like to discuss politics, but when it comes to healthcare, I am very opinionated.

The House just passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act. Go here for more information, or to read it (almost 2,000 pages).

Now the bill has to reach the Senate, which can take a while. Go here to learn why.

This article will also help with terms and such that, like me, your brain may have forgotten = )

I'm not going to ask you to support or not support it. I am simply asking that you learn about what is at stake because this is a critical time in our society. Plus, this is a critical bill, especially for those of us who are young, thus experiencing the majority of its impact.

Besos.

Late Night Poem.

I’ve never flown before
Except
.
on my feet
.
.
Yes
.
.
.
That’s what it feels like
When my
.
lips
.
.
kiss
.
.
.
You.

Ballz and Eye Crust.

You know how this goes. I sigh --

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

I can feel the crust on my eyes. Blink, blink. That didn't work so well. As I rub the shiznit off my f-a-c-e, I see a Chef walk past with a Friend of his.

My eyes may not be workin' but my e-a-r-s are just fine.

Chef: "She is always with me. It's like she doesn't know what it means to be alone."
Friend: "I would say it's a Vietnamese thing but dude, my girlfriend is the same way. She always wants to spend time together. Even when I am taking a crap she wants to talk."
Chef: "What's also weird is her family never leaves the house when they visit. Someone is always around cooking or cleaning or on the phone, like her mom...or a cousin. I can barely breathe."
Friend: "Yeah, I know man."
Chef: "I love my wife, but she doesn't get personal space at all. I try and tell her I need alone time and she looks at me like I am crazy."
Silence . . .
Friend: "...well, are we crazy for not wanting to hang out with them all of the time?"
They stand there, seriously perplexed by the ridiculous question. And, if I wasn't so blind at the moment with sleep doo-doo, I would be able to see the concern in their eyes. Maybe for their manhood...or for the balls they used to have.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In Life...

It's scary to be vulnerable and exposed, but sometimes you must

let

go

.
.
.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

New Blog

Hola, peeps.

I was recently asked to write a weekly blog for the group, Women on A Roll (WOAR), which I will start in a several weeks.

It's called, Let's Be Real --

"A weekly blog about the importance of “keeping it real,” whether it’s regarding love, life, or specific events going on around the globe. Lauren Hamilton -- breaks it down on a weekly basis and you won't want to miss her words."

As of now, the date is set for December 1st. So please, on that day, check it out here -- http://www.womenonaroll.com/.


Word.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Study A New Trade.

First, I must say that life without my grandparents would suck. Hard.

INT. CAR - DAY

I sit under the hot sun with my cell phone in one hand and a Diet Dr. Pepper in the other. It's yummy, but ain't doing a thang to keep the sweat off my face. Or, maybe it's just my nerves.
Ring, ring.
Grandad: "Hello?"
More sweat.
Me: "Hey, grandad. How are you?"
Grandad: "Good, honey. Are you eating right?"
Uh, yeah, though I don't see as much salmon as I'd like.
Me: "Of course."
Grandad: "Good. Find a job yet?"
Pause. Come on Diet Dr. Pepper!
Me: "...no. Not yet."
I can hear his disappointment through the silence on the phone. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless and judged all at the same time.
Grandad: "Hmm...maybe you should study a new trade."
I laugh, thinking he's joking. But, the lack of response on the other end makes me realize he's serious. Gulp.
Me: "Oh..."
Grandad: "We may have to put you back in school, eh?"
Spoke too soon. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless, judged, and misunderstood all at the same time...by one of the men you love most in the world.

I know my family's words are not from a bad place. At all. And, I know that it comes down to fear. Will she have a roof over her head? Will she have enough money to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper a month from now...or health insurance. I totally understand that my family loves me and wants only the best. However,
...it still breaks my heart each time I'm asked, "got a job yet?" Or, when my father says, "whenever you get that job, I'll get you that set of golf clubs you've been wanting." Do you not see that I'm trying? Lol and sigh and lol and sigh.
I bring into focus this conversation because I know many of you are going through the same thing, even if it's unrelated to money. It could be regarding coming out to your family or consistently avoiding to tell your friend to stop doing drugs because you're scared he or she will stop talking to you.
Point being --we all have a little fear deep down. So, I say to you and to me -- don't give up. Follow your heart. I know it's hard; even as I type the words I feel my hands getting warm, but this is what life is all about. The lol-ing and the sigh-ing and the lol-ing again and again and again.
Gulp, gulp.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Marriage and Granola.

This involves granola, sticky fingers, and love --

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

I smash a sharp knife into a thick block full of raisins. It slowly comes apart, but the job ain't going by that fast despite my amazing strength. . .


A Chef flashes by, sizes up the situation in front of me.


Chef: "Hey, help Lauren with the raisins. We gotta get 200 of these out before lunch."
I look over my shoulder to see who he's talking to: a thick Woman in her 30s. Is she really going to help to speed the process along? Maybe I should be positive. As she walks over to me, I hear --
Woman: "Hey. Is it Lorraine?"
Me: "Lauren."
She does a laugh smile. Ya know, not really a laugh but not really a smile.
Woman: "I'm so bad with names. Gosh."
Me: "It's all good."
I continue hacking at the raisins as she breaks the small chunks with her hands. And, as the minutes roll by, I find myself wondering what her story is and where she got that big ass rock on her finger.
Me: "How long ya been married?"
She stops what she's doing and looks up to think. I want to scream out, "keep working, goddamnit!!" but decide not to...probably not the best thing to say.
Woman: "Umm...a year I think."
Hmm, I can't tell if she means it in a it's-been-a-year-kill-me kind of way or, I'm-so-in-love-and-thankful kind of way.
Me: "Cool. Why are you here volunteering?"
Woman: "'Cause I'm bored and unemployed."
Join da club.
Me: "Ah and your husband wants you out of the house."
Woman: "Yeah, but not because he's sick of me. Just knows being without a job for so long isn't doing anything positive for my mental health."
Is she crazy or something? Look, I'm down for packing granola -- not crazies.
Me: "How is marriage? Is it fun?"
She stops to look up. Again.
Woman: "This is going to sound weird, but it's a great feeling knowing that he has to fill out a lot of paperwork in order to break up with me."
Not the most romantic thing I've heard.
Me: "Okay, so it sucks?"
Woman: "No, no, it's great. I love being married. I mean, I always thought it would just be the same as before. You know, when we were in a relationship, but it's different. There's a different quality and pressure...but, not a bad pressure. I always have someone by my side and that's nice to know."
I stop without realizing it and smile at her. Yeah, it would be great knowing that no matter what happens, when I go home, there will always be that special person there by my side (unless she decides to take out the paperwork).
Me: "Yeah, that does sound nice."
Real damn nice.

It's hard to remember that life doesn't go on forever and ever.

Ya know, that those hot red pumps I bought for a Christmas party last year won't matter once I'm in the grave.

So...what will?

Perhaps the intangibles...the untouchable thangz that we can't describe with words. Just with feelings. Like --


Love

.
.
.

I can deal with that.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Volunteer My Heart Away.

You know how this goes. I sigh...

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

I stand in front of two steel counters with plastic gloves over my hands and a cheap, disposable white hairnet on my hair. Is this really necessary? Clock reads -- 8:13am. OMG. I shake my head, wishing it was lunch time already.


A guy approaches me. Looks like a Chef. Just has that swagger.


Chef: "Okay hey wasup. You a volunteer?"
Me: "Uh, yes. I am."
Unfortunately. Hey now, don't get me wrong, I love to volunteer. Just not in the eaaarly mornin'.
Chef: "Super. I need you to tear up these large pieces of chicken into little pieces."
I look over his shoulder and see the endless piles of long, narrow sheets of fatty chicken. Um, I don't have to do this...do I?
Me: "I got it."
Uh, I totally don't.
Chef: "Oh, and it would be awesome if you did this in like an hour...tops."
How the heck am I going to get through all of this in that amount of time?
Me: "No problem!"
Look. I know how to bullshit when I need to. Let's just say that Hollywood is rubbin' off on a sistah.
As I grab a tray and get to work on my assigned task, like Chris Brown doing community service, I kinda give it my all. Okay, not really. And, almost as if G-O-D answered my prayers, I hear my savior (a black Woman in her 50s) approach me.
Woman: "What needs to be done here?"
Me: "Um, the Chef just told me to break up these trays of chicken. I have about 10 more to do, which I'm sure will take at least an hour."
Before I finish my sentence she has already gone to town on a tray of chicken and broken up half of it with her speedy hands.
Me: "...or not."
Woman: "We gotta speed this up now. These sick people have to get their food."
And before I know it, the Woman is on her 4th tray while I am just finishing my first. She ain't playin' around. I wonder what her story is?
Me: "So, how long have you been volunteering here?"
Woman: "Let's see now...around two weeks. I gotta do it for school...and myself. Getting my masters in Nutrition."
Me: "Awesome. Where ya from?"
Woman: "Compton, honey. Yourself?"
Me: "I'm from the valley."
She shoots me a proud smile as she says --
Woman: "Well, that's all right. See, now myself, I wasn't supposed to make it this far, ya know. A girl from South Central who grew up on food stamps. No way was I supposed to make it this far. But, my mama taught me right."
Me: "That's cool that you're here and giving your time."
Woman: "Ahh yes, you must help others. My mama, before she died, always told me to help those who can't help themselves. And, it gives me something to do. All of my family is gone now. My two brothers died this year due to smoking."
Me: "Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that."
Woman: "It's okay. The great Lord has blessed me and continues to everyday. I am glad to be here. A gurl from the South side of Compton. Who would have imagined I would get this far?"
As she continues making me and the rest of the volunteers look bad with her quick and impressive hands, I can't help but feel inspired. And, I can't help but wonder...how far am I supposed to go?

Hmmm...

Life's unpredictable. We don't know where we'll be today, tomorrow, or even in the Present moment. I think it comes down to living in the moment and staying positive. Easier said than done, I know. But, if we're too busy thinking about things then it becomes close to impossible to see all of the wonderful things happening right in front of our face. Word.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Chronicles Of A 20-something, California.

We all have dreams. Many of 'em reside in a sign:

H O L L Y W O O D

It's not all that it seems to be.

But, at the same time,

It's everything.

Just don't forget there's more to you and to life than the question --

So...what do you do?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Life.

Let's not live in fear. For the things we fear can keep us from the things we could be

loving.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

3 Minute Conversations - Website Up!



Hello peeps.

First off, you rock. You're so patient and dope. I can't stand it = )

The website for "3 Minute Conversations" is finally up and posted.

Check it --

http://www.3minuteconversations.com/

Things will be added and updated on a consistent basis. And please, if you can, donate. We need your support!

Besos.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One Day You're In...

"Sometimes you're in, and sometimes you're out."

(photo found here)

We all know these famous words from the gorgeous and smart woman, Heidi Klum.

At first I used to hate them. So cold...so false. Aren't you always in if you're in?

Then I got to thinking and thought: maybe she's right...maybe it's kind of like love.

One day you're feeling great and everything is perfect. You're getting along and want nothing more than to be with that person every second. But, then you have those times where you want space and don't want to be around your lover.

Kind of like after you get into a HUGE fight with someone you love. Like, so bad you may be thinking, "can we get past this?" Or, "will things ever be the same?" At these times, one can feel nothing but Out. Very, very out.

But,

A few hours or days later, you begin to calm down and think. Your heart starts to soften and you miss that person, or that massive problem seems much smaller. All you want to do is talk and move on to how things were...if the love is truly there. Otherwise, you'll just walk away and give up.

Strength.

Let's say you got a lot of that dope shiznit and refuse to throw in da towel. Perhaps you'll talk to that person and realize that your relationship and love is even stronger than you ever imagined. And, within moments, the feelings of never wanting to have that person out of your life comes back like dust on a kitchen table.

Maybe...

Being Out makes us realize how In we always were.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Chronicles Of A 20-Something, Late Night Poem.

I enjoy the way your heart beats underneath my dirty fingernails.
Like the wax in my eardrums
I get stuck
In you
On you
With you.
Like heavy hands on a soft piano,
Gently touching you so you don’t awake…
Or break.

Sometimes,

I want to split you open and
Cut your arteries into pieces
Like a bloody piece of steak,
Dripping down my arms
...Seeping into my skin.

Yeah.

It wouldn’t be so bad, ya know.
Tasting you
Eating you…
Without the sauce or
The hurt.

Yeah.

It wouldn’t be so bad to bleed
On something or someone else who
Doesn’t mind holding you without

Gloves.


Lauren Hamilton (c) 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Life Changes.

Ya never know where life may take you.

Sure, it can be a stressful ride, but when you make it at least you can say --


"I made it."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

3 Minute Conversations - Yvonne Mock Robertson - #3

This is Yvonne.

She is my friend and club promoter. Smart, sexy, cool. She'll also be in my next vlog on Afterellen. Airing Thursdays. You can find out more information on her and what she does via facebook or by attending one of her amazing events (Madame Wu's).

Besos.

Hearts and Hurt and Hope.

I admire romantics. There aren't many of us left. . . or so I think.

You know how this goes. I sigh --


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Wine is involved. As usual. I sit in my PJs next to a Friend as she sips on a diet soda, her wrinkled hands clinging to it like it's her last. Maybe it is.

We're talking about love. As usual.


Me: "I'm a romantic, but a reluctant one who scares too easy."
She looks up and shoots me a perplexed look.
Friend: "What the hell did you just say?"
I shake my head, half amused and half annoyed. By what, I don't really know.
Friend: "Hmm, okay, let me try to understand since, after all, I am old enough to be your grandmother."
I roll my eyes. This again?
Me: "You're not even 60. Chill."
Friend: "60 in the South is great grandmother status! Anyway, so you mean, like...you can't stand the heat in the kitchen you built?"
Me: "I meant that I'm smooth and really coolio until feelings start to get involved. Then, I become this sensitive, not-so-suave person. I mean, I am still me, but my fears and insecurities grab at my insides."
Friend: "As much as I want to say it gets better with age, it doesn't. I still trip out about my fat ass stomach."
There go my eyes even more.
Me: "Your stomach isn't fat."
Friend: "Yeah it is. Don't lie to me damnit."
We smile at each other. I still disagree, but can't help but laugh. Who isn't insecure about something?
Me: "When I date someone I like, I realize how much work I still have to do. Underneath it all, I'm such a mess. Or, I feel like one at times."
Friend: "Getting older doesn't make that go away either."
Me: "Thanks. But maybe it doesn't have a lot to do with age. Maybe it's all about the love we get as children."
Friend: "Oh God, are we having a childhood discussion? Because I don't feel like crying right now."
I sip on my wine, not wanting to get into mommy and daddy issues either.
Me: "Naw, we aren't. I'm just sayin' that confidence and self-love should be emphasized when we're kids in order to have healthier relationships...maybe."
Friend: "And if it's not then you think no one can be that way?"
Me: "I didn't say all that. I just think that it's harder when we have to learn how to love ourselves as opposed to it being ingrained when we're young."
Friend: "I guess that makes a little sense. My old man didn't hold me at all...was kind of an asshole. Now I practically seek out the love and attention I never got from men."
Silence. I think I hear her heart still breaking.
Me: "I feel you. We all got our thangz is my point. Dating is like peeling onions. You see so may different layers. When I start to shed, I lose the exterior that I feel is safe. But, once they are gone, one by one, I start to get nervous. It's like I get that way to see if the person will like me as I reveal more...even though I know how cool I am."
Friend: "Isn't that crazy how we can be so confident one second and then the opposite the next?"
Me: "Completely. For me, I think it's because there's a lot at risk. My heart being one thing. And, I haven't been in the most loving relationships."
Friend: "Well, that's another can of worms. The baggage and hurt we carry is in all of us. I still think my man is cheating on me whenever he comes home late. That's what being with a liar and man whore for 5 years will do for ya."
Damn.
Me: "Maybe we give up too fast."
Friend: "True. As much as I get scared, too, I know that the guy who is meant for me will like me no matter what. So, when I get nervous or vulnerable, that's how I keep it together."
Me: "Yeah, I guess that's true. All you can be is yourself."
Friend: "Exactly."
We hold up our glasses in the air and clink them together. I smile as the wine trickles down my throat. Her words stay in my head. Yes, it's all about being YOU.


Who knows what makes us the way we are...truly.

I just know that we all have a battle going on inside of us. Whether it be with our heart or mind or Soul. And, this isn't a bad thing. Never is it a bad thing.


But,


It doesn't always feel good. And, I can't help but wonder how it impacts us. For some, the past can keep us in a deep depression that we never come out of. For others, it can make us look within and grow in ways we never thought imaginable.


Now me...I'm not perfect. At all. I get nervous and stutter when I like someone. I don't even know where that sweet talkin' woman goes at times, but this is who I am. And, this is what makes me awesome as well.


So, maybe my Friend is right. We just gotta be ourselves, even if that means looking like our extremely imperfect selves.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Not So Serene.

Talk about Lions and Tigers and Bears.

Serena Williams went c-r-a-z-y today at the U.S. Open.

Seriously.
(photo found here)
Apparently, after Serena got a foot fault penalty she thought was incorrect, all Hell broke loose. She started to yell at the official, screaming things such as, "I'm going to shove this ball down your fuc-ing throat."
Not good.
Look, I totally understand that we all have bad days. Clearly, Serena had a terrible one. However, that gives her no right to yell, berate, threaten, or belittle anyone. I am a fan of hers, but not a fan of her actions.
Get it together, Serena. Get it together.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pooch Time.

Dogs = da shiznit.

(Photo found here)
A stray dog recently saved the life of his owners' 2-year-old son in the Yukon wilderness.
Oh, Snap.
Rescue parties found them 24 hours after the child vanished. Apparently this amazing pooch kept the little boy warm by cuddling with him and protecting him from the bear-infested woods. Folks say he would not have lived without the furry fella's help.
...okay, I don't normally get choked up from a story like this, but -- who am I kidding, yeah I do. This is such a sweet story and it definitely makes my heart smile. The family took a chance on this stray dog when they found him in bad shape, and nursed him back to health with their love and kindness. And what did he go and do in return?
Save a life.
Now this dog has me asking what the hell I've done with my life. Lol. Damn, maybe I need to go live in the wilderness for a few months and save a few lives. Or, like, devote the rest of my life to community service. Okay, I'm going a little overboard, but you know what I mean.
This is a moment where you pause within a moment and ask, in that moment, what the hell am I doing with my moments?
Perhaps it all comes down to the individual. Ya know, our goals and wants and needs. For some, that's simply getting past each day without falling into a deep depression. For others, that means trying to make thousands of dollars every day. Or, simply cooking dinner for your partner each night. Do what makes you happy is what I say because, in the end, that's all that matters.
Woof woof.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Friday, September 4, 2009

Dinner With Palin?

Yo, get your wallets out.

A dinner with Palin is being auctioned off on Ebay starting at $7,500.

(photo found here)


How much would I pay?
.
.
.
As much as I want to say $0, I think I'd definitely write a check for 12 bucks if I had the chance.

What can I say, I like a woman in glasses.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

We're All Cars.

I think love is hard. Truly. But, being held should be easy.

You know how this goes. I sigh --

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's one of those nights where the moon overtakes the sky. I sit with a glass of wine in my hand plus some cheese squares. A Friend sits next to me with a glass of Vodka. Straight up.

Me: "...sometimes I don't know what I want."
He laughs, more to himself than at me. What's really in his glass?
Friend: "Join the club, babe. I wanted a peanut butter sandwich for lunch but ended up having a meatball sandwich instead."
Me: "Yeah, yeah, I get it. But, I'm talking about love and stuff like that. Romantically...you know, meeting women and dating can be tough."
Friend: "It shouldn't be."
Me: "True...I guess I'm referring to getting over your past experiences and moving on with someone new...without taking things out on them."
Friend: "That's easy. Just move on."
Me: "Okay, is today disagree-with-Lauren Day?"
He laughs, gives me a sweet smile.
Friend: "Look, I know what you mean. After Lisa I couldn't trust a woman for years. And damn, my mom issues didn't help."
He sighs. I wait, knowing he's going to add something else.
Friend: "Being with her took so much out of me. I don't even know if I can give that way again."
Me: "I feel ya, man. But hey, everyone has thangz...issues."
We both take a sip of our drink and let the night soak us up. The silence is nice. For this moment.
Me: "What if we didn't have any baggage or unresolved bullcrap that makes us screw up relationships?"
Friend: "Well, then we'd be different people. And come on, L, you know what they say -- "Our past makes us stronger."
We laugh. A little.
Me: "Right. I love to date, don't get me wrong. But, there's always that point where you gotta ask yourself, "can I let my guard down?"
Friend: "You mean be vulnerable? Yeah, women always want you to open up. It has to happen naturally for me. Wait, maybe I don't get it. Example?"
His eyes look a little cloudy. Too much Vodka.
Me: "Let's say you have a trust issue because your ex girlfriend cheated on you. Now, you feel like every woman will eventually do that. You're suspicious of the things she says from the jump."
Friend: "That's tough. I guess I would eventually go crazy and be sent to jail."
Me: "Very funny. I think I would be open and honest. Just tell her about my past and my previous experiences with it. And, hopefully, she'll be sensitive and patience with me if I am always communicative in a healthy way."
Friend: "Easier said than done. I wouldn't deal with a girl who has trust problems like that. I already have a boss on my ass everyday."
Me: "Good point. But, what if you're really, really feelin' her?"
Friend: "Then I'd hit it for a minute and quit it."
Me: "Damn."
Friend: "I'm just keeping it real."
I sit there forgetting my wine and responsibilities for a moment. I don't know if it was me or my Friend's blunt words, but I suddenly feel like none of this really matters in the long run. All we have is the Now. And right Now, life's lookin' pretty damn good under the moon.

No doubt, we all got thangz to work on. Some of us have a bad temper and others have a problem being too passive. We're all very different. But, it's not enough to simply say that you've been through a lot and that's the reason why you're the way that you are. You can turn things around if you want to, which is why I say don't pass someone up who is amazing because of their imperfections.

Unless

He or she is crazy or a detriment to your health.

But,

If they are not, then give it a go

Unless

He or she ain't willing to work on their shiznit.

'Cause if that's the case, you're in for a chaotic and bumpy ride. No lie.

Maybe, in a way,

we're all cars.
Loose screws.
Squeaky breaks.
Broken windows.
Mucho miles and tons of scrapes.
Some of us run better than others,
Or look a little flashier.
but, in the end...we all got an
engine.
Honk, honk.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

3 Minute Conversations - Afterellen.com

Hey there peeps,
Check out the first vlog of "3 Minute Conversations" on afterellen.com today. It'll be airing every Wednesday with different women every week, and some returning ladies in upcoming vlogs.

In the very near future, I will be giving updates on shooting, the women who will be featured, and show all of the pretty faces behind the show.

Thank you for tuning in and watching. This is just the beginning.

Oh, and the name's Lauren. It's nice to meet you = )

Check it

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"3 Minute Conversations"

Shooting went very well over the weekend. The first four episodes of "3 Minute conversations" are completed. We had a great time filming and nothing, yes, nothing, went wrong.

I'll be sending in the first vlog within a week and hope to have it up on Afterellen soon for everyone to see.

It looks great ya'll. Thanks to everyone for all of the support.


Besos.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hiking and Love and Clouds.

I like to hike, even when it's with the glaring sun on my sweating shoulder blades.

You know how this goes. I sigh --

EXT. RUNYON CANYON - HOLLYWOOD
Dirt and hills for days, or so it seems. I am breathless, but it's a good breathless. My Friend walks beside me, not the least bit tired.

This is the moment where we forget about our target heart rate and focus on love.

Me: "So, when was the last time you were on a date?"
You know me and my questions...
Friend: "Honestly, I don't even think I know how to kiss anymore."
I stop in my tracks for a moment as she continues walking, the rocks crushing beneath her feet.
Me: "Dang, I didn't expect that to come out of your mouth."
Friend: "I'm serious. I just feel like it's so difficult...and awkward."
Me: "Yeah, I haven't been with a woman in a loooong time. But, as far as dating, I think it should be fun. It ain't always easy, sure, but maybe you're meeting the wrong women."
Or not...
Friend: "Or, maybe monogamy is overrated. Maybe it's too much to ask someone to not sleep with other people if it's what they want."
Me: "Okay, hold up. I guess we're talking about relationships and not dating. In terms of relationships, I'm not into cheating and I fully expect my future partner to be the same way if that's what we've discussed prior to being together."
Friend: "I don't know if that's realistic or not though."
Me: "You mean realistic to find someone who doesn't have sex with other folks?
Friend: "Yeah."
I stay silent for a moment and it hits me that this may be a sensitive subject. There's hurt here. Where isn't it?
Me: "Has someone cheated on you before?"
Friend: "...yeah. Multiple times."
Me: "I'm so sorry, but please remember that everyone is different. There are plenty of people out there who are faithful, loving, and committed. And, who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated."
Silence.
Me: "Gurl, I'm serious. It's all about breaking it down and expressing your needs. If you get with a woman who says she can't be monogamous then you probably don't want to be with her. But, if there's someone who can respect you and your needs, then you're golden."
Friend: "Yeah, I still don't know."
We start to run, leaving the subject behind us. Though we're quiet, my mind isn't. It's amazing how one relationship and one person can totally change what we think is possible.

This isn't about cheating or about two women who haven't gotten some action in a long time (even though that sucks). It's about moving on without letting the past still break out heart every day.

I totally get why we carry bags of luggage into other relationships, at times, without realizing it. It's understandable. We've all been there. I know I have. But, there comes a time when we must toss 'em out and move da hell on.

Right...?

Okay, it ain't that easy. I know. However, it's possible.

For the longest time I told my Friend I wouldn't go hiking with her. That it was too hard and that I didn't want to fall on my ass. In other words, I was holding myself back. Then, last week, I said to myself -- "life's too damn short. If I fall, I fall. At least I would have tried."

Straight up, it was hard. I huffed and puffed and got dirty. I needed help getting up a hill, which was no problem due to some nice strangers. And, I definitely had to take a lot of short breaks. But hey, ya know what?

I didn't fall.

Maybe this is what it comes down to. Letting go of your fears and being willing to fall flat on your face. We all have the power to believe in something -- whether it's aliens or monogamy -- as long as we do one thing...

Let go.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dream.


Hello you dreamers, you pretty folk

You lovers and salt shakers.

I say to you --

Jump into the clouds.

Reach for the stars.

And don't look back.


Don't ever look back.
(Unless the person's really hot.)

Don't Steal My Style!

This is Roisin Murphy.
This is Lady Gaga.
I don't like to make comparisons or accuse folks of stealing thangz from other peeps,
BUT

Lady G's style does look a lot like Roisin Murphy's. I'm just being real.
Okay, so then you'll say to me, "Lauren, what's truly original these days anyway? Usher and every boy band in the world took their style and moves from Michael Jackson."
That's when I will nod my head and say, "good point" since, after all, it is. And, after debating back 'n forth, let's say, for another five minutes I'll reach this conclusion --
I guess it doesn't matter all that much, especially because she's cute and writes great lyrics. For me, I like to see different layers of an artist -- actually, of all individuals. Yeah, give me the glamor and the fake eyelashes, but show me your other side as well. Like,
I know we all have bad hair days.
OR
Don't wear make up all the time.
At Dinah Shore I saw Lady Gaga perform and what touched me the most was when her small frame punched down hard on those piano keys and sang from her heart. That's what I'll always remember. Not her fake hair. Not her crazy outfits. Just her fingers and the way she sang those notes. I walked away thinking, "there's more to this chick than I thought. She's mad talented." Yes, I made an assumption that she was another Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan, but she's not. The woman can flat out saaaang.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I wish the raw emotion that I saw a few months ago at her concert was reflected in the way that she presented herself to the world.
But who am I to judge?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My New Vlog - "3 Minute Conversations"

Hola peeps,

Tomorrow is the first day of shooting my new web show, "3 Minute Conversations," which will air on Afterellen in the next few weeks. You can also view it here.

One question
Real talk
Three minutes
I'm very excited about the opportunity to reach others/bring a new point of view to the site. I'll be joining a lot of amazing folks and it's truly an honor to add to the team of talent. Please be on the look out for it. You may be the next person I interview. . .
Let's talk.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dating - I'll Take The Pomegranate.

Pomegranates apparently do a great job of preventing hearing loss.


(photo found here)

What if love could be like pomegranates?

Good for you. Make you look and feel better. Provide nourishment.

Maybe that's what it's like when you got it good. Ya know, after you've found a perfect match. But, isn't all love -- even if didn't work out -- good for you? At least most of can say we came out a stronger person and learned something.

In that regard, it's a positive thang...at least in my eyes. A life lived. Hard. Even if you've gotten your heart broken time and time again.

It's good to have your world shattered

It's good to wake up scared and lonely

It's good to crumble every now 'n then

We're

Human

And that's what makes us beautiful and imperfect and so damn good.

Man or Woman?

A South African teenage girl by the name of Caster Semenya just won the 800-meter gold medal Wednesday at the world championships.

Big Shocker, I know.

What caught my attention about this story were the incessant attacks and questions regarding her gender.

(Photo found here)
Her amazing figure, deep voice, and extreme domination = not meeting the requirements to compete as a woman.
Gotta say this is ridiculous, and I don't care if she turns out to have one or two balls. You're telling me because this woman doesn't fit into the small box of stereotypes we've assigned to women across the nation that she's not a freakin' lady?
Give. Me. A. Break. Seriously.
Would it have mattered if she came in last place? Would it have mattered if she had more traditional facial features and long hair? Would it have mattered if she didn't beat her competition senseless on the track, 'causing them to rethink their passion entirely.
'cause no lie, if I raced this woman and got an ass whoopin' like the one she gave a few days ago, I'd be running back to whatever uterus I came from. I'd say, "screw it, I'll go into competitive fishing. Got a better chance with that." I'd think, "who is her trainer and what's the number of her nutritionist? Clearly I need to work harder."
And, I'll be real with you, I'd also be thinking about steroids since the girl has a six pack in her face. But, by no means would I ever question her gender (well, maybe). It's not a nice thing to do, nor is it fair. She's only a teenager. And, don't think this isn't breaking her heart. Don't think she isn't weeping into her pillow late at night when no one is around...or so she thinks.
Why do we judge people? When are we going to let peeps be who they are without criticism or hurtful intentions?
Aight, so then you'd say: Lauren, but is it a fair competition for women to run with Caster? Hmm, I'd say the answer is no.
Okay, so then you'd also say -- "she could not know she's a man. She could not have a penis or a vagina. So, she may not know herself. What if she's both a man and a woman? Where will she compete? Will she be allowed to compete because she has a genetic disorder?"
And then I'd pause and think, "okay, maybe she's a man...and maybe it's not so fair."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What If. . .

What if you're looking at the person of your dreams
and
don't even realize it?
Inspiration: Julie and Julia.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Chronicles Of A 20-Something, Growing Up And Family

INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN - DAY
Crowded with family. Food is everywhere – potato salad, friend chicken, meatloaf, green beans, etc. I walk into what is called “the den” and sit down next to my seventy-four year old Family Member. He, like his prosthetic leg, is strong as a mule. Threaten to take away his driver’s license and he’ll sue you…no lie.

Family Member: “I remember growing up out here and having to read from the old textbooks that the white kids got. Their names would be in ‘em…pages would be torn out. Oh boy, they’d be in bad shape.”
Person: “Oh yeah, I remember that, too.”
Wow, I can’t even imagine how that felt. I grew up with new and clean textbooks. No other name in ‘em besides, Lauren.
Me: “That must have been hard to deal with...I know I would have been an angry kid.”
Family Member: “Well, of course it was. I had dem white boys beating on me when I went to school all the time. And, you know, we had to sit in the back of the bus. Even if the bus had empty seats in the front. Us 'niggas' didn’t touch ‘em though.
Damn.
Family Member: “But, you know what, us black folk had to be closer back then. It was family, school, and church. Now, black folks is scattered everywhere. We lost that connection.”
Person: “True, but it’s better in a lot of ways.”
Family Member: “Oh you betta believe it. I hear these people say we had it betta before. Oh, no we didn’t. I don’t miss having diarrhea and having to go 100 feet to the outhouse at 2 in the morning. I’ll tell ya that right now.”
Ew. We all laugh.
Person: “I hear ya. But, boy was that fun…even when it was segregated. We had a great little baseball team. Hand-me-downs from the white boys' teams—but it didn’t matter. We all had a great time.”
Family Member: “I'll tell ya what else I don't miss -- getting hit with those switches from my teacher. Whenever I’d get into trouble she’d have one of my classmates go get a switch in the yard. And those suckas always picked the biggest, longest, hardest one for her to hit on me with.”
We all laugh. Again. Yeah, it’s f-cked up, but it’s funny.
Family Member: “I’ll never forget it, one day the white boys were throwing rocks at us and I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t involved for once, but the teacher called us in and gave us all a whoopin’. Even when I told her I had nothing to do with it, she bent my butt ova and smacked me. But, they don’t do that anymore.”
No, they sure don’t. Geesh, I had it good in school. All I got was a ten second time out, but that usually included a soda.
Another family member we'll call Man, a quiet soul, chimes in –
Man: “I remember one white boy who would pick on me every day on the way to school with his friends. He’d always call me a nigger. One day I caught him alone and beat the dirt outta him. I pounded his face in and said, say you’re a 'nigga' and he kept saying, “no way in hell imma say that.”
Person: “Even as you beat him up he wouldn’t say it?”
Man: “Naw, he wouldn’t.
Family Member: “Wow.”
I sit there, letting his words sink in. How blessed I am to be able to walk on the streets and not be beat, hit, ridiculed, or attacked for the color of my skin. It hits me that because of what my family, ancestors, and others fought for, I am able to be where I am today.

Later, that next day, I find Person outside and run over to him; I was on a mission to learn more about my Family Member, a truly amazing man --

Me: "Hey, how did he lose his leg?"
Person begins to take the dirty sheets off his bed. Grandmommy told him to do it and, like the obedient son he is, he responded in the way he always does: "yes, ma'am."
Person: "During peace time in the military. When he was in Walter Reed Hospital getting better I would come everyday and play cards with him. For two months I did that. All day, everyday."
Gotta love my family. We know what love is all about.
Person: "And, when he finally got his prosthetic leg, they discharged him within a short amount of time. One of the first things he did with the money he received from the government was buy himself a new car."
Me: "Cool. Was it a good one?"
Person takes a break from gathering the linen and stands in the middle of the room, right underneath the fan that is spinning wildly. If he was one inch taller, his head wouldn't be lookin' so good.
Person: "Oh yeah, it ran real nice. One day he came and picked me up so we could race some rednecks down the street. He liked to speed, ya know, like me."
That's where I get that from.
Person: "So, we go down there and see this trash talkin' redneck. He says, "you ain't gonna beat me. Trust me on that one." And, sure enough, he smoked us in his fast car."
Me: "Oh no, what did ya'll do?"
Person smiles brightly, loving this moment. His hands gesturing wildly in the air. I only see him this animated when he's talking about family or women.
Person: "Well, he took himself back down to the car dealership and said, "I want the fasted thang you got here on dis lot." And, they told him, "Sir, you just this vehicle and it's fast." He yelled, "I want the fastest car you got. Right now." Sure enough, he traded that one in and got himself a new car."
Me: "What kinda car was it?"
Person: "A Chevy 396."
I have no idea what that looks like, but I write it in my phone to save the name.
Me: "Did ya'll go back?"
Dad smiles even more, a prideful look on his face.
Person: "Oh yeah, and we smoked that redneck...bad. That thang was fast. One day we were going over 120 MPH and zoomed past a cop. He pulled us over--a young white dude (picture Smokey and the Bandits) -- and said, "you see this here gray hair I got? If ya'll keep speeding like that you won't have any of this."
I laugh, not really getting what the cop meant.
Me: "Did you get a ticket?"
Person: "Naw. He just said, "my radar ain't pick ya'll up, so you betta get going on outta here." And, sure enough, we left before you could say Hillbilly."
I laugh even harder, loving this moment. Kinfolk and memories. Gotta love it.

As you get older, these moments become easy and breezy. You find that adults in the family begin to open up and talk about things you never discussed as a kid. And ya know what --

It's freakin' great...if ya listen.

Chronicles Of A 20-something, Funerals and God.

INT. CHURCH – DAY
Flowers. Everywhere. Day lilies for days. I can smell them even as I stand in the entrance of the church, looking at all of the People who came to show their respect for my Great Aunt Lib. I look inside my jacket and see that it’s torn. Is it too late to go back home and sew it? For a second I thought I heard it scream back, “YES!!” knowing I was trying to find an excuse to leave.

I’m not a fan of death.

But, I stay put and begin to scan the church. Can God--whomever that is--see me? I wonder what he or she thinks of my jacket. Hopefully I won’t go to Hell for loose fabric. A smile brightens my face as I see my grandparents in the front pew with other Kinfolk nearby, ready to serve them in any way possible, even if that includes wiping a tear from their cheek. Protected. That’s how I feel. Even on this sad day.

My Cousin stomps over to me in her cute dress and long black hair. She’s just as bossy as my grandmother, which is why I adore her.
Cousin: “Okay, so all of the family’s going to the classroom and then we’ll walk down the aisle with the pallbearers.”
Pall what?
Me: “Sounds good.”
I’d rather pretend like I know what she’s talking about than act like I don’t and get an “are you dumb?” look from her.
Cousin: “Ten ‘til 2…got it?”
Me: “Uh…do we all have to do it?”
She gives me a hard look.
Me: “Got it. Ten until 2pm.”
I ain’t trying to die. I can see the headline already: “Lauren Hamilton Killed By Cousin Who Wanted Her to Walk Down the Aisle of Her Aunt’s Funeral.” Hmm, who can break it down for me? Ohh, I know -- Dad.
Me: “Dad, what’s a pale bearer?”
Dad: “Pallbearer. It’s when family members carry the casket to the cemetery. Typically 4-8 people.”
Hmm, good idea not to put me on that job. I'm strong, but not that strong. Fast forward to twenty minutes later and I’m sitting down on the left side with my aunts and uncles while the choir sings. What song…I don’t remember. But, it was a beautiful one.

The last time I can remember being at a funeral was after my young cousin got shot and killed during a drive by in Inglewood. I was maybe 8 years old at the time. Yeah, I didn't know anything about death. So, when I was taken to see the open casket, it blew my mind and heart away. Not in the good sense either. His young, lifeless body totally shook my insides and I ran out, frightened beyond words could say.

But, on that day, I was an adult. That's right. A-d-u-l-t. And, it was time to suck it up and be there for the family. It felt good to be hard and steady in the pew. Looking around and making sure my kinfolk was okay...whatever that means, until the choir started to sing.

It only took a few minutes for me to feel 8 years old again.

The elders started to weep. And, this was something I had never seen. It was like seeing your favorite tree cut down after. Ya know, the one you passed by for 18 years on your way to school.

I glance over at my Grandmother and see that she's crying.

My eyes start to burn.
I look. Again.
My other great aunts and uncles begin to cry.
My eyes burn even more.
My heart...races.
I look. Again.
More tears.

Oh, shit. I just realized -- we're at a freakin' funeral!

Yes, at this sad moment it hit me: an amazing woman is gone from this Earth, from this life. This is when I remembered that this is the woman who brought up her young siblings from a young age when they had no one else to watch over them during World War II. This is when I realized that she meant as much to the community as she did to her own daughter. The woman who took me to lunch as a small child, even when I insisted that she wait until after my talk show was finished. And she always did.

I hear someone sobbing – a non family member—and turn my head to see who it is. A nice looking woman in her 60s.

Me: “Ma’am, you okay?"
She says nothing.
Me: "Ma'am, how did you know my Aunt Lib?”
Woman: “I worked with her and she was my friend of 40 years.”
It took all of her heart and soul to get those words out in between the tears. I immediately wanted to cry as well, for her…for me…and for everyone in the room. But, I didn’t. Instead, my eyes landed on my dad. A rock. Then, my grandfather. Even harder. And, suddenly, I feel stronger. My jacket does not feel so important, nor does the traffic ticket I received the week before. Who knows where or who God is, but I know he or she would say --

It’s okay.
It’s okay.
It’s
.
.
.
Okay.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

If You Could...

If you could take a pill to forget one relationship in your life, would you?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Conversation - Reconnecting With Past Lovers.

INT. BAR - EARLY NIGHT
It's of those summer evenings. Again. Plus, a gorgeous sky. I look good in my pink earrings and shiny lip gloss. Two adorable Guys sit with me at a table as they sip on drinks and give their two cents about the current discussion we're having...

You know how this goes.

Guy 1: "...so, you still think about her?"
Me: "Yeah, but that's because I'll always care. I mean, you don't stop thinking about those you were once with no matter how bad or good it was."
Guy 2: "Speak for yourself, gurl."
Guy 1: "Oh, shut up, you cynic. Lauren, I want to know why you don't reach out to her since you clearly love her."
Me: "I've tried the past two years, but receive no response. What am I going to do, keep gettin' rejected? And, at some point I have to ask myself why I am reaching out to someone who clearly doesn't want a friendship?"
Guy 2: "I agree with that. If she ain't responding, then let it go. From the sound of it, this woman won't ever say anything."
Guy 1: "Well, do you still love her? I think that's what matters the most."
Me: "Yes, I do. Absolutely. But, I don't want a romantic relationship. Totally not a good idea."
Guy 2: "I think the real question is this: is she on your mind because you want what you can't have, or because you genuinely love her?"
Me: "Truthfully, it's because I care and love her. And, I don't think that's a bad thing. I have love for all of the people I was with, and this one...it's always been a tough situation."
Guy 2: "Gurl, it still is."
Me: "Who knows what the truth is, but I do know that I wish it wasn't so lame. A simple call and exchanging words over the phone isn't hard. Why call and hang up on me several times and say nothing as opposed to, "I don't want to be friends" or, "Let's never talk again?"
Guy 2: "Well, I'd probably hang up, too, after finding out it was you...I wouldn't want to go back in the past. I would want to keep it movin' and forget about it. I can hold a grudge easily, but when I get sucked back in...that's when I lose control."
Me: "So, it's all about control and power? Really? Because, if it is then that's even lamer."
Guy 1: "Well, men are different. If it's a good fuck, we can usually get over it fast."
Guy 2: "Not me. I can hold a grudge for lifetimes. And hey, you're the one who knows her, not us. Listen to your intuition. What is it saying?"
Me: "It's saying to let it be. What's meant to be will be. I am here when she's ready for a friendship."
Guy 1: "Would you date her again?"
Guy 2: "Oh, God...stop already."
Guy 1: "I'm a romantic, okay! Let me talk. Lauren, would you?"
Me: "No. We were not good for each other and that's the truth. We didn't get along well as lovers."
Guy 1: "This is funny because I'm sure what you're saying now is stuff she's saying to her friends, too."
Me: "We'll never know, will we?"
Guy 1: "Do you want to?"
Me: "Sometimes."
Guy 2: "Another question: she sounds selfish and mean, so why do you want to have her in your life?"
Got me there. Guess I need more therapy?
Me: "I don't know what I want from her, if anything at all. Honestly, if she's the same person, then I don't want anything to do with her."
Guy 1: "Uh-o. Expectations..."
Guy 2: "Yeah, ya'll won't be talking ever again I'm sure. It sounds like a crash waiting to happen."
I sit there wondering, why do I sometimes crave a reconnection with one of my previous partners, particularly if we weren't even a good match? It's something I can't wrap my head around and wish I could forget about with a nice glass of wine. But, I take a sip of my sparking water instead, and accept things for what they are, even under a bright skin.

Who knows what's right and what's wrong.

Honestly, I think it's all about the Present moment. Whatever you do, you do it for a reason. I don't know why I still think about some of the people I do from my past, whether it's a family member or a previous lover, but the fact is that I do. And, that's okay.

However, I'm simply talkin' about thinking. I'm not talking about reaching out or trying to reestablish a relationship with folks who have been abusive. That's a different story. At times, we must let go of individuals who are too toxic in our life while we still think of him or her occasionally. In other words, if a fool hits you, run and don't ever go back.

On the realz, I think we over think things in our society -- oftentimes with our Ego. Yeah, I may reach out to someone who has been "mean" or "selfish," but in that moment, it's what I felt even if it wasn't the wisest decision.

Sometimes it isn't as easy as a therapist saying, "Consider not doing that." Sometimes you have to, in a healthy way, listen to your heart because there's always something to learn in the end.

There's power and strength in letting things come to you. What's meant to be, will be. But hey, don't be afraid to take a few risks every now 'n then.